1st trimester thoughts...

I'm really bad at keeping up with this blog lately. Plus it's awkward to know what to write about. I don't want to isolate readers with "baby baby" talk…but that's amazingly enough my world now. I didn't know if I'd ever get here and now that I am, I find it hard to fully embrace it for fear of…what, I'm not sure. I feel confident in my babies (even though I'm on sonogram withdrawal - and I just moved up my next appt by a week!) and my body and I'm slowly sharing the good news with more and more people…I just wish I could accept pregnancy with the same gusto I always figured I'd give it.

I'm almost through my first trimester, which means I may have avoided morning sickness. I've had general nauseau (and now I'm experiencing an inordinate amount of saliva, which does not help with the nauseau, let me tell ya!) but have not actually thrown up, thank goodness. I'm slowly getting over some of my weird food issues and actually cooked twice this week. Last week, we ate out every night and while I was healthy with my choices, I felt guilty about it. So I actually bought ingredients for meals (what a concept, right?) and that's really the trick. For such a Type A/planning personality, you'd think I'd be better about meals…but I just don't care enough about food to plan in advance. So eating enough has been a challenge at times. Kinda like this cartoon…

I've been reading a couple books that have provided insight to being a twin parent. Twinspiration is written by a twin mom and she is honest about everything! DH has been reading it too and it's nice how he's more aware of how I might be feeling, etc. He's even using the terms, like "mommy brain." Okay, so it's not nice to insult your pregnant wife's memory problems but at least he's attributing it to pregnancy and not me just losing my mind! Twins, Triplets, and Quads seems a little more suspect…have any other twin moms-to-be seen this one? It's soo dire…I'll definitely be on bed rest, I should absolutely quit working by X week, if I don't eat mini-meals every two hours my babies will be underweight/premature, drink a quart of milk per day, etc. So if anyone has any recommendations on twin pregnancy books, I'd love to hear 'em!

One of my cycle sisters, Tracey, was faced with the fragility of life last week and suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks. Her posts have been so moving and really show how strong she is. But I'm sure she'd love any extra support.

And another is enduring the 2ww…sending lots of luck your way, Denise!

Dos babies

Could you imagine being pregnant and not being able to take a peek inside the womb? My mom found the book/journal she completed when pregnant with me and it was so odd to think they couldn't confirm a pregnancy with an HPT or an ultrasound. I think I could become addicted to ultrasounds…I'm starting to understand why crazy Tom Cruise bought one for home use when Katie Holmes was pregnant! Just kidding…kinda. ;)
We got a look at the twins yesterday and all is well! Twin B is catching up to Twin A and their heartrates were in line with what they should be at 9 weeks (which is apparently the time when they'll be the fastest…should slow down after 9 weeks). The U/S tech was able to identify their heads from their rumps and we got individual pics of both. Too cute! I think of them sharing this space and the bond they're forming and it gives me chills, it's so beautiful. DH and I rented In The Womb: Multiples and I highly recommend it to all you expecting twins. The most interesting tidbit to me was how twins have so much more stimulation in the womb than singletons (duh, I know). Manipulating the tight spaces can also help them with coordination later on in life (DH saw that as hope for two athletes who can go to college on scholarship! Since we spent our savings on them already!). Also, they have witnessed multiples in the womb who play games with one another! And these games can continue outside the womb! For example, there were twins who loved to cuddle their faces up to one another while in the womb. Then as toddlers, one of their favorites games was to stand on either side of a curtain and put their faces close to each other and giggle. That's just amazing to me…
Our OB gave us the all clear to let people know we're expecting! We had a few questions for her and that was DH's no. 1 question - I think he's been ready to burst! Also, his work has had a twin explosion lately, with like 5 of his co-workers either expecting them or just having had them…so I think he's ready to share his news too! Early on, I was dying to tell people we were pregnant…but now I don't feel the same sense of urgency. I don't know why…I feel confident in our babies so I don't think that's the reason. Maybe I'm just enjoying my little secret. Course it would behoove me to share the news and erase the mystery as to why I'm eating all day at my cube and answer questions around my slightly shifting figure. ;) I think part of it is wanting to put time between when I was out for two weeks for an undisclosed medical condition and the announcement. Not that I'm ashamed of what we did to make our babies - quite the contrary! I guess I just don't know how to answer the questions that will come from the busy bodys…"oh twins? Did you use fertility drugs?" One of my friends had triplets almost two years ago and is still asked that question…he said you start out polite and then get fed up. But why do I have to be polite if those who hear the news can't be?! For the triplets, I'd hate for their conception to be a defining trait for the rest of their lives. It's kind of irrelevant, isn't it? I know, I know, I preach people needing to be open about IF or society will never change and then I fall into the same trap. It's a quandary…
So for now, I'll continue to keep my little babies safe and protected from the comments that will annoy their mother and cause her heartrate to go up!

What a difference a year makes

I've been absent in the blog world mainly because I'm so tired when I get home from work and the last thing I want to do is get back in front of a computer...this being pregnant with twins thing can take it out of you! Yes, both babies are hanging in there! We got a good report at the doctor on Monday...Twin B's HR was up to 125 and Twin A's was at 154. Such well behaved kiddos. :) So even though Twin B is still lagging behind a few days, it is developing the way it should and that's the most important thing. When I shared this good report with my favorite nurse, Amber (that's for all of you dying to know who my fave is!), and asked her a couple questions like OB vs. perinatologist, she actually said "now that things are looking good" I could continue with my OB! She errs on the side of caution so for her to say it's "looking good" helps DH and I breathe a little easier.

Even though after the transfer, I really felt like both embryos were sticking around, it's still a shock to think we're going to have twins. It's just miraculous. We've come such a long way in just a year and a half...my cyst removal, DH's obstructive azoospermia, failed IVF and talk of donor eggs, being rejected by two other major fertility clinics in town...and I know we are where we are today because we didn't give up. What if we'd listened to the first RE? Or even the second? I guess you just never know. I have a friend whose mom died from cancer years ago and she was saying how the doctors just don't know everything...they'd give her mom a month and she'd live for another year...when we were going through this second cycle and continuously getting encouraging reports, I thought of that. DH and I scoffed when Amber reviewed cryopreservation...and yet we have two embryos on ice. You just never know.

I keep hoping and praying that these babies continue to impress everybody. I'm trying to do all I can for them (even gagging on my broccoli at dinner) and I know they're doing all they can, too.

Hang in there, babies!

Omigosh, I was so nervous for the U/S yesterday! Kinda odd behavior for me cuz I really wasn't nervous for any of my cycle stuff...retrieval, transfer, any of it. Do I have more faith in the babies outside of my body than inside? What does that say about me?

After an exceptionally weird waiting room experience (a couple that looked like Jack Sprat and his wife, a woman who loudly complained about having to take a pregnancy test, an impromptu prayer session between two strangers, one of which was apparently in pain), in which DH questioned whether I really wanted to keep going to this ob/gyn (now up for debate!), we were finally taken back for the U/S. The gal who did it had done an U/S for me during stimulation so she was so excited to find out it had worked!

Immediately you could see two sacs, one quite a bit larger than the other. And at first, the gal didn't think there was an embryo in the smaller one. But after measuring and getting "Twin A's" HR, she searched around and finally located little "Twin B" (who is apparently shy). It appears that Twin B is a few days behind, developmentally. The U/S technician said this happens sometimes and it can even out...or not. And one of DH's co-workers recently announced he and his wife are having twins through IVF, and they waited to let people know because one twin was lagging behind the other. So I think that made us think, okay, this is kinda common and can work itself out.

But later in the evening, as we were preparing our Surf and Turf feast of steak and crab legs (which I was cleared to eat - LOL), my favorite CCRM nurse called and gave me her opinion. Essentially, we should be very guarded and prepared to see little development at next week's U/S. But she acknowledged that we continue to exceed expectations and she wouldn't put it past us for it to all work out. So I don't know. I'm optimistic that it will all work out because I think our embryos have just behaved extraordinarily thus far and proven that they are really tough. DH wants Twin A to be a good big brother/sister and get the little one in line. ;) We did tell my parents, sis, and best friend the news (which I'd planned on keeping our little secret for now - since we have had no secrets all along!) because I figured we need extra prayers and good, positive vibes.

So please send good thoughts my way. If it's meant to be, it will be. Obviously, I want them both to be healthy and don't want to go against Mother Nature. But I just really felt all along that it was going to be twins. If mother's intuition counts for anything...