Baby step into the blogging world

So this is my first post. Silly me, I feel like I need to sound profound. When really, my point in doing this blog is to track how I'm feeling given the baby making options DH and I now have. One last shot at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), which has experience (and greater success!) with high FSH; or donor eggs or childfree. At this point, we're not really considering adoption. We may get there - heck, I can't believe we're considering donor eggs! One thing that just gets me going lately is when I confide in a friend about our infertility issues and immediately they ask if we've considered adoption. All these people blessed with biological children of their own are so quick to throw that out there, not even thinking that is a difficult decision. "There are so many babies out there who need good homes!" I understand that and I sympathize, I really do. Adoption is a very admirable thing. Maybe if the people suggesting adoption had adopted themselves I'd be more receptive to their idea. But I just want to say: "Then why didn't you adopt? Oh, because you met a man you thought the world of and then wanted to give birth to his baby? Hmm...that sounds familiar."

I just am astonished and disappointed and almost resigned at the way some of my friends have related to me in this past year. It's been tough -- one thing after another. On the same day learning I had a cyst on one of my ovaries (this discovered when I went in after not getting pregnant for 6 months and worrying something was wrong), DH and I also learned that his semen analysis revealed no sperm. None. Obstructive azoospermia from a surgery he had when he was a teenager. But after visiting a urologist, we learned there was still hope and we could do a testicular biopsy to determine if sperm was present -- just unable to get out. On the same day my grandpa was struggling to live, we learned in the hospital lobby that DH did indeed possess sperm. My grandpa died the next day and a sad little part of me wondered if maybe God took his life so that we could create another life... Two days after my grandpa died, I had surgery to remove my cyst. Luckily, that's all it was (no endometriosis, etc.) but it seems as though most of my ovary was also removed. "Not to worry -- you're young (29) and should be fine with one ovary." After a few months off to process everything, decide what we wanted to do, we went to an RE. Given my age, the outlook was good. Until my FSH revealed dimished ovarian reserve. Honestly, at this time, in my first (and so far only) IVF cycle, I didn't fully realize what a death sentence that term is. Which is probably good -- I would have made myself more upset, worried, if I did knos how grim the outlook had become. I didn't respond well enough and long story short, my cycle was canceled. It was quite a blow...DH and I knew cancellation was likely but I think our family was so sure that we'd be successful. The marvels of modern science, etc.

Consequently, I don't think that during our cycle, people understood just how hard it all was. So I'm slowing getting back to my point...my parents and MIL have been great since our cycle and I had a heart-to-heart with my mom and am now really getting the support and love I need. Which is huge! My older sister, who amazingly, graciously, selflessly offered up her eggs at the end of our canceled cycle like it was just no big thing, is now going through IUI to have her first baby with her husband and I'm glad that I'm (unfortunately) able to relate to her. But my friends have been a big disappointment.

It doesn't help that my best friend is currently pregnant. She was very cautious when she broke the news and I am happy for her. Her situation has no bearing on mine; I know (more than most) how strong the desire to have a baby can be; yada yada. But after one conversation about how I was thinking DH and I could live childfree (our new puppy was filling our lives, etc.) -- and you all know how your thoughts on everything change on like, an hourly basis -- I honestly think she thinks I'm over the whole infertility thing. I've attempted to engage her again, share with her that we're seeing a counselor, etc. -- I get nothing. And it's frustrating how much this strife is filling my head. Her baby shower lasted almost 4 hours...seriously, one of the longest showers ever! And I was a good sport, playing games, oohing and ahhing -- and I meant it. I just wanted one recognition of how hard it maybe was for me and a thank you. But I didn't get it. Oh, do I sound like a brat?! I just feel abandoned. And I think she feels abandoned too. But if she could be more accepting of my situation, I would be of hers.

My blog name seems ironic to me today -- a few days after I created the blog. "Making peace." How I would love to. Some days I feel more successful than others. But my gosh, that's what I really want. I want to get back to the carefree days of my newlywed-hood. When my head wasn't filled with these tough decisions and medical worries and unknowns in the future...