So my best friend had her baby on Tuesday - a healthy baby girl! When I got the phone call, I was sooo excited (I was hoping for a girl because the pessimistic side of me thought it would be nice to have a sweet girl to spoil if DH & I don't get to have our own) and so glad everybody was okay. I got off the phone and burst into tears. I honestly don't know why I was crying...if I was so happy, or if I was so sad. My dog just cocked her head at me, like "what is going on with you?!?" And I don't really know what is going on with me. DH was very surprised at how excited I was that day...I was ready to run to the hospital but I'd worked from home that day and felt bound to the house. I kept telling him, her situation has nothing to do with ours, I can be happy for her, etc. And even the next day I was ready to go to visit, even packed the camera in my purse. But I got so nervous, thinking of walking in to the hospital and the maternity ward and seeing a little baby that I couldn't do it. And I've felt that way ever since. Luckily, my best friend is being very understanding and cool with it.
It's just that the emotions are so intense and completely unpredictable. I feel a different way on everything like every day. Even at work -- I'm irrationally mad at everyone because they don't know what I'm having to deal with in my personal life...I've felt like telling people - why is this something I should be ashamed of, or hiding? It's a medical issue and I've seen my team rally around others who've had surgeries, etc. But then reality sets in that no one gets it unless they've been personally touched by it and I would be opening myself up to be hurt by their unknowingly insensitive comments. It's just unlike anything else you can experience and I get angry about that quite a lot. I know the misconceptions and hush hush of IF will change eventually and I look for little ways that might be happening...like the new HBO show, Tell Me You Love Me. I was interested in that because there is a couple who's having trouble conceiving. So I watched like 10 minutes of the first episode and turned it off in disgust. Not just because I'd already experienced one of the soft core porn sequences the show is apparently more known for but because the IF couple were arguing about their inability to conceive and the woman was blaming it on a third party..her father-in-law...that he was stressing out her husband...give me a freaking break! That's how we present IF?!? No wonder people say "just relax." Then I got the latest US Weekly with Trista and Ryan (of The Bachelorette fame) on the front with their new baby..."Trista and Ryan open up about infertility..." I knew they'd be trying for a while and thought she might actually present how hard it is, how it strains all relationships, etc. The article was more of a glossing ("you think you can get pregnant when you want and then you can't") and I was disappointed. With 1 in 6 couples being affected, why won't anyone talk about this? I think Courteney Cox and David Arquette had a really powerful interview with somebody (Barbara Walters?) a few years back and I'd almost like to find it on the Internet and watch it again. I think I just want a face to IF because I want to feel less alone...
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5 comments:
I write about this very thing, today. There are lots of faces, honey. We're here for you.
If you find the Courtney Cox interview, I'd love to see it cuz the Trista article pissed me off too. I picked it up thinking FINALLY someone's talking, yet no, there was one measly paragraph about her year-long struggle, then THREE PAGES of baby photos and pregnancy talk. "Opens up" they say, "my ass" I say:-)
I found the Courteney Cox interview - I guess she does a better job at addressing it than most celebrities. Of course Barbara rushes them to adoption (eye rolling!).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIGn5Y220_k
I feel the same way. I want so much to talk about it and I hate feeling so alone and ashamed of my condition. But I know I can't and people just don't get it. I saw the HBO show, Tell Me You Love Me as well and I just couldn't watch it either. I too wish more people would speak about it and increase awareness and yet I can't even talk about it myself with the people in my life so how I can expect other's to. I think that sometimes IF is so painful, when we are in the middle of it.. we arejust coping and surviving and most of us don't have the strength to talk about it. And than, once you get to the other side, maybe most of us just want to forget about it because it was so painful. I admire those who do open up and continue to fight for those suffering. Thanks for sharing the Courtney Cox interview. I'll have to take a look.
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
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