More uncertainities...but that's life

This past week has been a blur. We didn't get a definite answer during our consultation which is good but bad at the same time. I kind of want some type of resolution. I still feel like I'm in limbo, like I don't know whether to scrimp and save, whether to use up the rest of the vacation days I've been hanging on to... As it got closer to time to the consultation, I kind of figured we wouldn't hear a yes or a no. The doctor was very nice and I remember feeling hopeful after talking to him. He mentioned a few additional tests that could be helpful (anti-Muellerian (sp?) hormone and counting antral follicles) in determining how I might respond on the next IVF cycle. And no one had mentioned those things. He also said some people have had success taking DHEA (under a doctor's supervision), which I looked up on the Internet. Pretty amazing (and scary) stuff. I guess some people think it's an "anti-aging" cure and some women have responded significantly better during cycles (in terms of egg production and quality). But at what point do you put your own physical well being first? I guess we all go through that with fertility treatments...

So we have an appointment set up next month to travel out there and go through the whole intro to the clinic/IVF/DE thing and then do these few tests. We had to quickly get a flight, decide how we could make it a mini-vacation as well, and visit a college friend of mine who lives in Denver. It's all set up (thanks to the DH) and we should have a few relaxing days in the mountains before going in to the doctor's office and flying home. It will be hard leaving our dog (this will be the first time since we've had her) but my parents have graciously offered to watch her and I think my dad is really excited about it. I was telling a friend/co-worker about how cute/funny he's being (suggesting we drop her off for a "trial run" while DH and I are at work, getting clarification on food, etc.) and this "friend" (who knows about our troubles) said, "gosh - what's he gonna be like if he ever gets grandkids?" I just gloss over these comments but I marvel at people's insensitivity later.

My best friend is having her C-section tomorrow and we spent Sunday together, having brunch and visiting a new art gallery in town. It was so nice to spend the day together but bittersweet. I think I'd probably feel the same way even if my life was all that I thought it'd be but I felt kind of guilty being sad. Like that was the last time we'd hang out as non-moms. It was weird. It'd probably have been easier if I hadn't know that at 9:30 Tuesday morning, she'll be a mom! She is nervous about the whole thing (understandably) and we're trying hard to be there for each other so I listened to her worries...but at the end of the day, I felt like I had done my supportive friend duty and I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Anyway, I'm just in a weird place. I feel like DH and I have been thinking about babies for so long and I almost want to be done with it. And then I read some of your blogs and how people have struggled way longer and undergone more treatments and it makes me question how much I really want a baby. But I do want to make a baby. I just don't think it should be this hard. I guess, in true character, I'm being stubborn. And then, say we don't have that great a chance at our 100% biological child but we go for it and fail. Well we've spent LOTS out of pocket. Then we go with DE and spend even more. And hopefully that would work--but there's no guarantee. I just don't know how people fund this, when insurance won't cover it. And that is another issue, in and of itself. It is an ABSOLUTE INJUSTICE that IF is not recognized as a medical issue and is not covered by so many insurance companies. My best friend said it's interesting that things like vasectomies and hysterectomies are covered, which was a point I had not thought of and which made me even more incensed. I'm positive that it will change over the years as (unfortunately) more and more people experience difficulties and (hopefully) it becomes less of a "shameful" thing. But until then, good people who've planned their baby-making will have to spend the baby's college fund just to bring it into the world. Man, I'm all over the place tonight - kudos for keeping up with me. :)