WTF

For the few of you who check in on me, I apologize for waiting so long between posts. I’ve been in a funk, not knowing what to think and consequently not knowing what to write. Our vacation was phenomenal…it was just what we needed. And as much as I hated leaving our dog behind, it was kind of nice to be out and about and not have any responsibilities. I shouldn’t say that – what’s it gonna be like if we have a baby?! ;) The Colorado air, smells, everything is good for the soul. I just love that pine scent – it’s amazing how scents can transport you back to other places, times. My family used to go to Colorado in the summers and the tree smell took me back to when I was a little girl. Too bad you can’t bottle up that smell! It was just nice for DH and I to take some time for ourselves…we roasted marshmallows and made s’mores in our cabin’s fireplace, hiked (saw moose! See above, if you squint--I got closer pictures but this one really sets the scene!) and relaxed.

Which was good because our day at the doctor’s, while exceptionally organized, was the worst day I have had since our last cycle was canceled.

It was absolutely overwhelming. Honestly, I experienced every single emotion under the sun in one day. From being annoyed at the fact it seemed as though the main nurse had not read my chart since she kept referring to how young I was, OHSS (not exactly a concern for me, I don’t think), and cryo-whatevering additional embryos (I should be so lucky to get to do that!). Frustrated that donor egg was being “pushed” to us. Almost apathetic that my ovary was performing just as the doctor thought it would (not very good). To being on the plane home that night and sooo wanting a hug from my mom I was in tears about it. You think you’re ready to go for it, and then all the info and orchestration is so overwhelming you can’t put your mind around it and you’re almost frozen in place. I could tell I was losing DH too. He had a glazed over look while the nurse was reviewing injections and I knew he so wasn’t interested in giving me any more shots…like he’d just thrown in the towel. And I couldn’t blame him. I kinda felt the same way that day (at least at some point). But when I got home and rationalized it (this is probably our best shot, yada yada) and broke down my To Do list into more do-able chunks, I came around. I presented my case to him and he’s willing to do it because I feel so passionately about it (at least I did during my “argument”). I think it’s just that our life together is so fulfilling that we don’t need anything else. But I’ve got to think it’s a case of we don’t know what we’re missing. Which is good if we’re not successful but hard to understand when you’re altering so much of your life, putting yourself through so much stress for something you can’t comprehend. Is it weird that we feel this way? Part of me thinks if I really wanted a baby, I’d do anything. I always thought I’d be a mom; and if I didn’t get married, I said I’d get a sperm donor. DH and I considered our future children in decisions (home, schools nearby, etc.). But I didn’t think it’d be this hard. So do I not want a baby bad enough? I just don’t think you should be tried this way to determine how badly you want something that comes so easily to so many people.

As of right now, we’re gonna go for it. It’s scary cuz we’re putting all our eggs in one basket (couldn’t resist!)…if I don’t respond this time, I likely won’t the next time. And I’m not interested (yet) in donor egg (from a program)…my sister is still on her journey and I want her to be successful before we come to her asking for her help (but she’s getting older so that’s a concern for all of us). And we’re not thinking adoption, either. That’s a rather bleak picture, huh? Sigh.

But I’m going to employ the techniques from the book “The Secret.” I haven’t read it (and don’t plan to) but I read a review of it and it seems pretty simple (sorry if I’m offending Secret devotees!). I need to be positive, imagine this cycle working, imagine my belly getting big and heavy, picture our dog’s foot licking obsession moving to our baby’s feet…all of that. .I can see how this could help (especially for me cuz it’s not that I’m a negative person but I think everything out including the worst possible scenarios!) but it’s scary too cuz if we aren’t successful then I’ve really thrown my heart and soul and mind into it working and I’m afraid I’ll be even more devastated.

So a question to my loyal reader(s)…have any of you taken DHEA to enhance the quantity and quality of eggs produced in a cycle? I read a total success story and was really emboldened…but then I read that it could lead to all types of cancers (breast, ovarian). My doctor is suggesting 25 mg 3 x day until I start stimulating (so only a month’s time or so). It seemed like people on the Internet were saying you had to be on it a minimum of 4 months to reap any benefits. I’m thinking of taking it but maybe 25 mg once a day but maybe there isn’t any benefit to that and I could be doing more harm than good…? All this supplemental stuff is so scary to me. I figure I have enough problems without doing something that could harm me down the line. If anybody has any info to share, I’d really appreciate it. I’m just not sure what to do.

Thanks again for the words of encouragement. Despite all of this crap, it really helps to have people pulling for you.

More uncertainities...but that's life

This past week has been a blur. We didn't get a definite answer during our consultation which is good but bad at the same time. I kind of want some type of resolution. I still feel like I'm in limbo, like I don't know whether to scrimp and save, whether to use up the rest of the vacation days I've been hanging on to... As it got closer to time to the consultation, I kind of figured we wouldn't hear a yes or a no. The doctor was very nice and I remember feeling hopeful after talking to him. He mentioned a few additional tests that could be helpful (anti-Muellerian (sp?) hormone and counting antral follicles) in determining how I might respond on the next IVF cycle. And no one had mentioned those things. He also said some people have had success taking DHEA (under a doctor's supervision), which I looked up on the Internet. Pretty amazing (and scary) stuff. I guess some people think it's an "anti-aging" cure and some women have responded significantly better during cycles (in terms of egg production and quality). But at what point do you put your own physical well being first? I guess we all go through that with fertility treatments...

So we have an appointment set up next month to travel out there and go through the whole intro to the clinic/IVF/DE thing and then do these few tests. We had to quickly get a flight, decide how we could make it a mini-vacation as well, and visit a college friend of mine who lives in Denver. It's all set up (thanks to the DH) and we should have a few relaxing days in the mountains before going in to the doctor's office and flying home. It will be hard leaving our dog (this will be the first time since we've had her) but my parents have graciously offered to watch her and I think my dad is really excited about it. I was telling a friend/co-worker about how cute/funny he's being (suggesting we drop her off for a "trial run" while DH and I are at work, getting clarification on food, etc.) and this "friend" (who knows about our troubles) said, "gosh - what's he gonna be like if he ever gets grandkids?" I just gloss over these comments but I marvel at people's insensitivity later.

My best friend is having her C-section tomorrow and we spent Sunday together, having brunch and visiting a new art gallery in town. It was so nice to spend the day together but bittersweet. I think I'd probably feel the same way even if my life was all that I thought it'd be but I felt kind of guilty being sad. Like that was the last time we'd hang out as non-moms. It was weird. It'd probably have been easier if I hadn't know that at 9:30 Tuesday morning, she'll be a mom! She is nervous about the whole thing (understandably) and we're trying hard to be there for each other so I listened to her worries...but at the end of the day, I felt like I had done my supportive friend duty and I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Anyway, I'm just in a weird place. I feel like DH and I have been thinking about babies for so long and I almost want to be done with it. And then I read some of your blogs and how people have struggled way longer and undergone more treatments and it makes me question how much I really want a baby. But I do want to make a baby. I just don't think it should be this hard. I guess, in true character, I'm being stubborn. And then, say we don't have that great a chance at our 100% biological child but we go for it and fail. Well we've spent LOTS out of pocket. Then we go with DE and spend even more. And hopefully that would work--but there's no guarantee. I just don't know how people fund this, when insurance won't cover it. And that is another issue, in and of itself. It is an ABSOLUTE INJUSTICE that IF is not recognized as a medical issue and is not covered by so many insurance companies. My best friend said it's interesting that things like vasectomies and hysterectomies are covered, which was a point I had not thought of and which made me even more incensed. I'm positive that it will change over the years as (unfortunately) more and more people experience difficulties and (hopefully) it becomes less of a "shameful" thing. But until then, good people who've planned their baby-making will have to spend the baby's college fund just to bring it into the world. Man, I'm all over the place tonight - kudos for keeping up with me. :)