WTF

For the few of you who check in on me, I apologize for waiting so long between posts. I’ve been in a funk, not knowing what to think and consequently not knowing what to write. Our vacation was phenomenal…it was just what we needed. And as much as I hated leaving our dog behind, it was kind of nice to be out and about and not have any responsibilities. I shouldn’t say that – what’s it gonna be like if we have a baby?! ;) The Colorado air, smells, everything is good for the soul. I just love that pine scent – it’s amazing how scents can transport you back to other places, times. My family used to go to Colorado in the summers and the tree smell took me back to when I was a little girl. Too bad you can’t bottle up that smell! It was just nice for DH and I to take some time for ourselves…we roasted marshmallows and made s’mores in our cabin’s fireplace, hiked (saw moose! See above, if you squint--I got closer pictures but this one really sets the scene!) and relaxed.

Which was good because our day at the doctor’s, while exceptionally organized, was the worst day I have had since our last cycle was canceled.

It was absolutely overwhelming. Honestly, I experienced every single emotion under the sun in one day. From being annoyed at the fact it seemed as though the main nurse had not read my chart since she kept referring to how young I was, OHSS (not exactly a concern for me, I don’t think), and cryo-whatevering additional embryos (I should be so lucky to get to do that!). Frustrated that donor egg was being “pushed” to us. Almost apathetic that my ovary was performing just as the doctor thought it would (not very good). To being on the plane home that night and sooo wanting a hug from my mom I was in tears about it. You think you’re ready to go for it, and then all the info and orchestration is so overwhelming you can’t put your mind around it and you’re almost frozen in place. I could tell I was losing DH too. He had a glazed over look while the nurse was reviewing injections and I knew he so wasn’t interested in giving me any more shots…like he’d just thrown in the towel. And I couldn’t blame him. I kinda felt the same way that day (at least at some point). But when I got home and rationalized it (this is probably our best shot, yada yada) and broke down my To Do list into more do-able chunks, I came around. I presented my case to him and he’s willing to do it because I feel so passionately about it (at least I did during my “argument”). I think it’s just that our life together is so fulfilling that we don’t need anything else. But I’ve got to think it’s a case of we don’t know what we’re missing. Which is good if we’re not successful but hard to understand when you’re altering so much of your life, putting yourself through so much stress for something you can’t comprehend. Is it weird that we feel this way? Part of me thinks if I really wanted a baby, I’d do anything. I always thought I’d be a mom; and if I didn’t get married, I said I’d get a sperm donor. DH and I considered our future children in decisions (home, schools nearby, etc.). But I didn’t think it’d be this hard. So do I not want a baby bad enough? I just don’t think you should be tried this way to determine how badly you want something that comes so easily to so many people.

As of right now, we’re gonna go for it. It’s scary cuz we’re putting all our eggs in one basket (couldn’t resist!)…if I don’t respond this time, I likely won’t the next time. And I’m not interested (yet) in donor egg (from a program)…my sister is still on her journey and I want her to be successful before we come to her asking for her help (but she’s getting older so that’s a concern for all of us). And we’re not thinking adoption, either. That’s a rather bleak picture, huh? Sigh.

But I’m going to employ the techniques from the book “The Secret.” I haven’t read it (and don’t plan to) but I read a review of it and it seems pretty simple (sorry if I’m offending Secret devotees!). I need to be positive, imagine this cycle working, imagine my belly getting big and heavy, picture our dog’s foot licking obsession moving to our baby’s feet…all of that. .I can see how this could help (especially for me cuz it’s not that I’m a negative person but I think everything out including the worst possible scenarios!) but it’s scary too cuz if we aren’t successful then I’ve really thrown my heart and soul and mind into it working and I’m afraid I’ll be even more devastated.

So a question to my loyal reader(s)…have any of you taken DHEA to enhance the quantity and quality of eggs produced in a cycle? I read a total success story and was really emboldened…but then I read that it could lead to all types of cancers (breast, ovarian). My doctor is suggesting 25 mg 3 x day until I start stimulating (so only a month’s time or so). It seemed like people on the Internet were saying you had to be on it a minimum of 4 months to reap any benefits. I’m thinking of taking it but maybe 25 mg once a day but maybe there isn’t any benefit to that and I could be doing more harm than good…? All this supplemental stuff is so scary to me. I figure I have enough problems without doing something that could harm me down the line. If anybody has any info to share, I’d really appreciate it. I’m just not sure what to do.

Thanks again for the words of encouragement. Despite all of this crap, it really helps to have people pulling for you.