Random things that make me happy:
- Flipping through TV channels and happening upon all or part of Sleepless in Seattle or When Harry Met Sally.
- Watching my dog do the one legged, back leg scratch.
- Making something (except dinner!).
You wouldn't think I'd need reminders of what makes me smile. I laughed so much this weekend when my sister was in town that I woke up with sore abs the next day (this could be a reflection of how I need to workout more but whatever!). We all had such a good time - I remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror after brunch and antique shopping and I thought, "I look happy. " It made me realize how much of a toll this IF stuff is taking on me. And then I got to thinking how satisfied I do feel in my life, despite lacking the little person I always thought I'd have. I felt like I'd be okay if it was just DH and me. I subsisted on this belief for a few days, until I had a team meeting and it was all talk about people's kids/grandkids. And then I was just annoyed with the pronatalism and the realization that if we didn't have kids, I'd always feel left out. Even though it'd be our choice to not pursue it further, I'd be annoyed with those who were blessed in that way (see below cartoon).
Anyway, I shared my belief with the DH and he talked me down from my roller coaster high. I hate not having rational control over how I feel anymore. How is it possible to flip flop on an hourly basis? On such an important thing? Shouldn't I feel so strongly one way or another? Is this a measure of how much I want said little person? But when I utter the words that this cycle is likely our last cycle, I feel sick. BTW, I'll be gearing up for my cycle any day now. Starting out with Estrace . Can't wait to see what the influx of this hormone will do to my moods! :P
Anyway, I shared my belief with the DH and he talked me down from my roller coaster high. I hate not having rational control over how I feel anymore. How is it possible to flip flop on an hourly basis? On such an important thing? Shouldn't I feel so strongly one way or another? Is this a measure of how much I want said little person? But when I utter the words that this cycle is likely our last cycle, I feel sick. BTW, I'll be gearing up for my cycle any day now. Starting out with Estrace . Can't wait to see what the influx of this hormone will do to my moods! :P
2 comments:
Great cartoon! And from where I sit, I'm only annoyed by those with kids when I know they've never given a passing thought to what it might feel like not to have the choice. Those who show sensitivity, totally different response. Coincidentally, I'm in the midst of writing a post about this very thing that will go up tomorrow...
If is such a roller coaster journey isn't it?. I've gone from being really happy and enjoying life to utter despair and depression in literally seconds. Sometimes I feel like I would be ok if I didn't live in a fertile world with such insensitive people. If I didn't have to see kids and pregnant women and talk of family... it wouldn't be so hard. Its the reminders everywhere of our failure that I find the hardest and that constantly break my heart. I wish I had the answers for all of us...! Thinking of you and wishing you luck.
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