"My body is my ally"

I tried something new last night - guided meditation. My acupuncturist was selling this CD, Health Journeys Guided Meditation Help for Infertility, and raved about it. Being the good shopper, I found it on Amazon for a few bucks cheaper (hey, every little bit helps when you're paying for IVF out-of-pocket!). I listened last night and some of what she said had me in tears...which probably isn't very relaxing for me but what can I say...I'm uber emotional right now. Her voice seemed kinda goofy at first, sooo monotone but peaceful but I fell under her spell...to the point that I ended up falling asleep! So when I wasn't crying or sleeping, I really enjoyed it - LOL! I'm really thinking I need this positive energy this time around...I need to envision it happening, feel my belly getting bigger and tight, imagine my best friend sharing pregnancy/baby tips with me... I do think there is something to be said about the mind/body connection and I'm really trying to tap into that.

This cycle is different from the last - I think DH and I have grown a lot. It's not so shameful and I'm more open about it, which is refreshing. We have so many people pulling for us this time, praying, thinking good thoughts and it makes me feel less alone. And God forbid, if it isn't successful, yeah more people will know but I don't think I'll be embarrassed about it like I would have been last year. This isn't our fault - we both live exceptionally clean lives and take care of ourselves. And since we've been trying to conceive, I literally feel like we've done EVERYTHING we could to make it happen. So I can't think we didn't try hard enough. When DH is rubbing burning mugwort over Sharpie-indicated points on my back, and my belly looks like Connect the Dots from needles and a Sharpie - I know we've done it all. So now I have to accept that my body is "my ally, my oldest friend", and will continue to sustain my life and make a nourishing home for my baby's (that's my meditator's line, but I like it!).

I did find somewhere to go tomorrow for my ultrasound - the doctor's office who did IVF #1. So I have the additional incentive to get these ovaries to respond so I can knock his socks off! Mr. Insensitivity, nothing I can do, move to donor eggs! Take that! My first ultrasound showed 5 follicles, 2 on the ovary that had the cyst removed! So I'm encouraged. :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I hope we can all find something to be thankful for even if we're in the toughest chapter of our lives.

Frickety frack!!

Oh I so hoped I'd be "by the book" when it came to getting my period. I wasn't exhibiting any signs like breast tenderness, etc. so I figured I had a few more days. But no. Last night I felt the crampy twinges and it was here. This is such a big deal because I haven't located a clinic that's open on weekends (or the day after Thanksgiving, which I'll also need), our cycle will be moved up a lot, my dad's booked his flight, our hotel has been booked, and I'll have to start the big drugs much sooner than I was anticipating! Booooo!

I just have to relax and know it will all work out. And it will. I just felt like such a good little planner, with everything in order and then my body messed it all up.

Acupuncture

So I figured nothing else is covered by insurance, why not throw some other out of pocket treatments in to the mix?! Really, at this point, what's a few more hundred dollars?! Gawh...

The counselor referred us to an acupuncturist and I went in for my consultation. It was just like I'd read about in the TCM book, when I diagnosed every organ function as deficient (LOL!). She took my pulse and peered at my tongue. And the diagnosis actually wasn't terrible! I am lacking in Yang (heat)/there is too much cold in me. So I've been eating meat like the biggest carnivore, trying to get blood to my uterus.

My first session was odd, just because I didn't know what to expect. She stuck me and then abandoned me in the room with only my thoughts (gasp!)! But I found that room exceptionally serene and have almost fallen asleep on the table each time. It's just weird - maybe cuz it's time that I'm forced to do nothing (and I'm always going going going) or maybe it is the chi flowing through my body better....whatever it is, I feel better afterwards. I had to do a "fast track" program because I'm not going the recommended 3 months before a cycle and the acupuncturist had a planned trip to China. But I feel good about it and she does too. Every time I see her, she swears I'm getting better (she's a very passionate woman!) and has even predicted how many eggs she thinks I'll produce and how many will fertilize. DH, who's somewhat skeptical about all this (mainly because we'll never know if it helped, whereas if you went to an acupuncturist for pain and then it lessened), said he'd drive over to her and personally thank her if we had the great success she predicted! :)

7.9!

Got amazing news today, on a day I totally needed it! Miraculously, my FSH for this month was 7.9! Incredible! The nurse was funny, thinking I was giving my body pep talks! I almost cried when I got the call - then I wanted to call everyone that knew about all this... This was blood that I had to work awfully hard to get to the doctor - draw it in town, keep it in my fridge, pack it in freezer packs, and then ship priority to the doc - and I know now it was worth all that effort! :)

We'd seen our counselor the day before and I was so down in the dumpers, asking for ways to deal with my negativity. She assured me that this time was different than before, with the best doctors working on us, with new med protocol, everything was different. And she's right but I was still wondering why we were doing this when the odds were so very much stacked against us. And the next day I get this phone call and success doesn't seem so unattainable. :)