My sanctuary, my DH

I had a book club meeting last night and one of my friends and I stayed late and talked. She and her hubby were having some marital trouble last year...mainly that he expressed a new and sudden desire to have children. Apparently (and this is strange to me), the topic had never come up before but my friend thought she'd eventually feel those maternal longings (which she isn't). Well they worked through it (or her husband dropped it) but with another birthday approaching, she's wondering if they should just go for it. I told her about the childfree living book I'd just finished (Sweet Grapes) and how society is structured to support pronatalism. But that choosing to live childfree is a choice and shouldn't be seen as being selfish...you can still be involved with kids, make a difference in the world through volunteering, etc. And as I listened to myself preach the pros of this choice, I wondered who I was trying to convince, her or me...

Then she told me about an older woman she works with who has no children but a really full life and a solid marriage. She said that this couple reminded her of my DH and I...that she sees the devotion we feel for one another and that she thought we'd be ENOUGH for each other...some couples wouldn't be okay without having kids, but that she thought we were strong enough. If her eyes weren't welling with tears (I'm beginning to think things still aren't quite right in her relationship), I could have really delighted in that moment. I am very proud of my marriage. So many couples experiencing IF earn their battle wounds together and that can bond you or tear you apart. In just three short years, DH and I have gone through more hardship than I'd wish on anyone and we've learned how to really talk to each other, be there for each other, and just love on each other. Which is good because sometimes it feels like us against the world...

Here's to my DH...
...Who conquered his fear of needles and administered shot after shot into my soft skin.
...Who wrestled with his "manliness" being questioned but ultimately became a stronger man for it.
...Who goes to counseling with me and speaks for me when the tears catch my voice.
...Who offered to convey what I needed from my friends when I was too chicken/upset to do it myself.
...Who settles down to read (insert book title you never thought you'd own) "Having Your Baby by Egg Donation" in bed.
...Who got me a Mother's Day gift, cuz I'm Mom to a furbaby.
...Who knew not to suggest "Knocked Up" as a weekend movie.

Happy Anniversary, baby. :)

TCM or how to become a hypochondriac

Ugh. I'm just kind of pooped today. Tired of thinking about babies. Tired of wondering what's wrong with me. I read that dang traditional Chinese medicine book, "The Infertility Cure," last night (very exciting evening, I know! But I have a hard time finding "me" time sometimes) and it bummed me out. Basically, there are 11 conditions, 8 of which I possess. Now I know I'm being dramatic and self-diagnosing should be taken with a grain of salt but it was overwhelming. I feel like I'm a healthy person. But when you get down to the nitty gritty questions, yeah I guess I do get dizzy when I stand up fast and I am thirsty a lot...holy cow, all of my organs are deficient! I don't even think I could follow the recommendations in the book cuz my multiple conditions contradict themselves...eat spicy foods to up my Yin, don't eat spicy foods cuz I'm too much Yang... My sister recommended the book and I almost called her last night at 10 pm to see how many conditions she possessed, I was so bummed out. And to say thanks a lot! I'm not a hypochondriac but it was a joke with my best friend cuz whenever one of us had an ailment, I'd go to my Dr. Koop's book and then diagnose Malaria or something completely random. So I probably need to put "The Infertility Cure" away for a bit. But, then I tried to fill out the paperwork for the CCRM and I saw similarities between its questions and ones in "The Infertility Cure" (which is probably good meaning they take a holistic look at things). I just think I need a vacation. Somewhere beautiful within roadtripping distance so we can take our puppy. :)

Third opinion's the charm?

So we have a phone consultation with CCRM on Sept. 10. I was happy we didn't have to wait too long to talk to the dr. but it's also kind of scary cuz I really feel like this could be our last chance. Of course, they're not covered on our insurance because they're out of network so we'd be footing the entire bill ourselves. I did kind of think maybe we should go ahead with a place in town (even though they gave me a 10% chance) and "use up" the rest of our infertility insurance benefit and then move on to Colorado if need be. Ahh, why is this insurance stuff so complicated? But I should be glad we have some benefit, I know. I can't complain after seeing Sicko, that's for sure. Who knows.

Tomorrow night I may be going to yoga with a co-worker who's being really supportive - she doesn't know the whole story, just enough to be dangerous (ha!) - and her teacher has some poses that could help with infertility. And my sister recommended "The Infertility Cure," a book on traditional Chinese medicine that is going to result in me eliminating essentially all the foods I eat. I flipped through it at Border's Saturday night and just got so mad that my situation may result in me performing femoral massages and ingesting herbs like Angelica and white peony...when my friends say "oh, we weren't really even trying."

In other news, it's ironic how many people I've encountered recently who have made alternative (is that the right word?) choices...I guess it's the same thing as noticing all the pregnant women in a 1 mile radius of you, but my radar is now also set on people who've adopted or decided to remain childfree. One woman, a co-worker of DH's whom I've met several times, volunteered to go to dinner with us (or just me) and relate her story of living childfree. She's at peace with it all now, and involves children in her life by volunteering and being active in her nieces/nephews lives'...it seems like she could be the poster child for this choice, which is awesome for her. But I do feel like our counselor has us focused on what options we'd consider if we have to (which is good and appeals to my organized self) but I feel like I'm overlooking the fact that there's still a glimmer of hope for us. And my gosh, I have to hold on to that first.

Baby step into the blogging world

So this is my first post. Silly me, I feel like I need to sound profound. When really, my point in doing this blog is to track how I'm feeling given the baby making options DH and I now have. One last shot at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), which has experience (and greater success!) with high FSH; or donor eggs or childfree. At this point, we're not really considering adoption. We may get there - heck, I can't believe we're considering donor eggs! One thing that just gets me going lately is when I confide in a friend about our infertility issues and immediately they ask if we've considered adoption. All these people blessed with biological children of their own are so quick to throw that out there, not even thinking that is a difficult decision. "There are so many babies out there who need good homes!" I understand that and I sympathize, I really do. Adoption is a very admirable thing. Maybe if the people suggesting adoption had adopted themselves I'd be more receptive to their idea. But I just want to say: "Then why didn't you adopt? Oh, because you met a man you thought the world of and then wanted to give birth to his baby? Hmm...that sounds familiar."

I just am astonished and disappointed and almost resigned at the way some of my friends have related to me in this past year. It's been tough -- one thing after another. On the same day learning I had a cyst on one of my ovaries (this discovered when I went in after not getting pregnant for 6 months and worrying something was wrong), DH and I also learned that his semen analysis revealed no sperm. None. Obstructive azoospermia from a surgery he had when he was a teenager. But after visiting a urologist, we learned there was still hope and we could do a testicular biopsy to determine if sperm was present -- just unable to get out. On the same day my grandpa was struggling to live, we learned in the hospital lobby that DH did indeed possess sperm. My grandpa died the next day and a sad little part of me wondered if maybe God took his life so that we could create another life... Two days after my grandpa died, I had surgery to remove my cyst. Luckily, that's all it was (no endometriosis, etc.) but it seems as though most of my ovary was also removed. "Not to worry -- you're young (29) and should be fine with one ovary." After a few months off to process everything, decide what we wanted to do, we went to an RE. Given my age, the outlook was good. Until my FSH revealed dimished ovarian reserve. Honestly, at this time, in my first (and so far only) IVF cycle, I didn't fully realize what a death sentence that term is. Which is probably good -- I would have made myself more upset, worried, if I did knos how grim the outlook had become. I didn't respond well enough and long story short, my cycle was canceled. It was quite a blow...DH and I knew cancellation was likely but I think our family was so sure that we'd be successful. The marvels of modern science, etc.

Consequently, I don't think that during our cycle, people understood just how hard it all was. So I'm slowing getting back to my point...my parents and MIL have been great since our cycle and I had a heart-to-heart with my mom and am now really getting the support and love I need. Which is huge! My older sister, who amazingly, graciously, selflessly offered up her eggs at the end of our canceled cycle like it was just no big thing, is now going through IUI to have her first baby with her husband and I'm glad that I'm (unfortunately) able to relate to her. But my friends have been a big disappointment.

It doesn't help that my best friend is currently pregnant. She was very cautious when she broke the news and I am happy for her. Her situation has no bearing on mine; I know (more than most) how strong the desire to have a baby can be; yada yada. But after one conversation about how I was thinking DH and I could live childfree (our new puppy was filling our lives, etc.) -- and you all know how your thoughts on everything change on like, an hourly basis -- I honestly think she thinks I'm over the whole infertility thing. I've attempted to engage her again, share with her that we're seeing a counselor, etc. -- I get nothing. And it's frustrating how much this strife is filling my head. Her baby shower lasted almost 4 hours...seriously, one of the longest showers ever! And I was a good sport, playing games, oohing and ahhing -- and I meant it. I just wanted one recognition of how hard it maybe was for me and a thank you. But I didn't get it. Oh, do I sound like a brat?! I just feel abandoned. And I think she feels abandoned too. But if she could be more accepting of my situation, I would be of hers.

My blog name seems ironic to me today -- a few days after I created the blog. "Making peace." How I would love to. Some days I feel more successful than others. But my gosh, that's what I really want. I want to get back to the carefree days of my newlywed-hood. When my head wasn't filled with these tough decisions and medical worries and unknowns in the future...