Gimme an E! Gimme a G! Gimme a G!

It's almost time for our vacation/doctor's appointment and I can't get too excited for this trip. I'm sad to be leaving our dog - it's the first time we will have left her since she's been in our life. We used to travel quite a bit - at least before we started TTC. As I'm sure you all can relate, I'd turn down the idea because maybe I'd be pregnant and shouldn't be on a cruise ship with my sister, or we should save money because who knows how much our insurance will cover, or then we did visit my husband's best friend in LA and DH had to give me my shots on the friend's bed as we were preparing for a cycle. And now our traveling may be waylaid for our four legged baby! Such is life. Leaving her the first time will probably be the hardest.

I really hope once we are in the mountains (doing the fun part of the trip) that it's not too cold. I checked weather.com and I'm now wondering if I need to pack gloves! Hopefully we can canoe or horseback ride or otherwise get in touch with nature. That type of peace will be good for me.

I really have no idea what to expect from the doctor visit. It looks like an all day type of thing although I'm not sure we need some of the scheduled, standard tests due to our situation. There is such a sense of finality around this clinic's opinion/results. But DH and I were talking last night and he said we've survived bad news twice before; we know we'll be okay if we hear it again. But with this being our last shot, it's gonna be different. Hopefully it won't get to that. I have to have faith in my body that it's not totally failing me. Some test results we'll have to wait on; at least one test should give us some info that day (counting antral follicles?), I would think. I've been silently cheering on my ovary, hoping I'll see lots of activity on Tuesday. And I've been praying that nothing else has gone wrong - with my one cyst already, I pray to God no others have developed. I hate to even write that, for fear of jinxing anything. I just HATE this feeling of betrayal by my own body. I know the few of you who read my blog will be thinking of me and I appreciate it. Being able to "talk" about this with people who really get it is invaluable. Thank you.

We need a face for IF

So my best friend had her baby on Tuesday - a healthy baby girl! When I got the phone call, I was sooo excited (I was hoping for a girl because the pessimistic side of me thought it would be nice to have a sweet girl to spoil if DH & I don't get to have our own) and so glad everybody was okay. I got off the phone and burst into tears. I honestly don't know why I was crying...if I was so happy, or if I was so sad. My dog just cocked her head at me, like "what is going on with you?!?" And I don't really know what is going on with me. DH was very surprised at how excited I was that day...I was ready to run to the hospital but I'd worked from home that day and felt bound to the house. I kept telling him, her situation has nothing to do with ours, I can be happy for her, etc. And even the next day I was ready to go to visit, even packed the camera in my purse. But I got so nervous, thinking of walking in to the hospital and the maternity ward and seeing a little baby that I couldn't do it. And I've felt that way ever since. Luckily, my best friend is being very understanding and cool with it.

It's just that the emotions are so intense and completely unpredictable. I feel a different way on everything like every day. Even at work -- I'm irrationally mad at everyone because they don't know what I'm having to deal with in my personal life...I've felt like telling people - why is this something I should be ashamed of, or hiding? It's a medical issue and I've seen my team rally around others who've had surgeries, etc. But then reality sets in that no one gets it unless they've been personally touched by it and I would be opening myself up to be hurt by their unknowingly insensitive comments. It's just unlike anything else you can experience and I get angry about that quite a lot. I know the misconceptions and hush hush of IF will change eventually and I look for little ways that might be happening...like the new HBO show, Tell Me You Love Me. I was interested in that because there is a couple who's having trouble conceiving. So I watched like 10 minutes of the first episode and turned it off in disgust. Not just because I'd already experienced one of the soft core porn sequences the show is apparently more known for but because the IF couple were arguing about their inability to conceive and the woman was blaming it on a third party..her father-in-law...that he was stressing out her husband...give me a freaking break! That's how we present IF?!? No wonder people say "just relax." Then I got the latest US Weekly with Trista and Ryan (of The Bachelorette fame) on the front with their new baby..."Trista and Ryan open up about infertility..." I knew they'd be trying for a while and thought she might actually present how hard it is, how it strains all relationships, etc. The article was more of a glossing ("you think you can get pregnant when you want and then you can't") and I was disappointed. With 1 in 6 couples being affected, why won't anyone talk about this? I think Courteney Cox and David Arquette had a really powerful interview with somebody (Barbara Walters?) a few years back and I'd almost like to find it on the Internet and watch it again. I think I just want a face to IF because I want to feel less alone...

More uncertainities...but that's life

This past week has been a blur. We didn't get a definite answer during our consultation which is good but bad at the same time. I kind of want some type of resolution. I still feel like I'm in limbo, like I don't know whether to scrimp and save, whether to use up the rest of the vacation days I've been hanging on to... As it got closer to time to the consultation, I kind of figured we wouldn't hear a yes or a no. The doctor was very nice and I remember feeling hopeful after talking to him. He mentioned a few additional tests that could be helpful (anti-Muellerian (sp?) hormone and counting antral follicles) in determining how I might respond on the next IVF cycle. And no one had mentioned those things. He also said some people have had success taking DHEA (under a doctor's supervision), which I looked up on the Internet. Pretty amazing (and scary) stuff. I guess some people think it's an "anti-aging" cure and some women have responded significantly better during cycles (in terms of egg production and quality). But at what point do you put your own physical well being first? I guess we all go through that with fertility treatments...

So we have an appointment set up next month to travel out there and go through the whole intro to the clinic/IVF/DE thing and then do these few tests. We had to quickly get a flight, decide how we could make it a mini-vacation as well, and visit a college friend of mine who lives in Denver. It's all set up (thanks to the DH) and we should have a few relaxing days in the mountains before going in to the doctor's office and flying home. It will be hard leaving our dog (this will be the first time since we've had her) but my parents have graciously offered to watch her and I think my dad is really excited about it. I was telling a friend/co-worker about how cute/funny he's being (suggesting we drop her off for a "trial run" while DH and I are at work, getting clarification on food, etc.) and this "friend" (who knows about our troubles) said, "gosh - what's he gonna be like if he ever gets grandkids?" I just gloss over these comments but I marvel at people's insensitivity later.

My best friend is having her C-section tomorrow and we spent Sunday together, having brunch and visiting a new art gallery in town. It was so nice to spend the day together but bittersweet. I think I'd probably feel the same way even if my life was all that I thought it'd be but I felt kind of guilty being sad. Like that was the last time we'd hang out as non-moms. It was weird. It'd probably have been easier if I hadn't know that at 9:30 Tuesday morning, she'll be a mom! She is nervous about the whole thing (understandably) and we're trying hard to be there for each other so I listened to her worries...but at the end of the day, I felt like I had done my supportive friend duty and I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Anyway, I'm just in a weird place. I feel like DH and I have been thinking about babies for so long and I almost want to be done with it. And then I read some of your blogs and how people have struggled way longer and undergone more treatments and it makes me question how much I really want a baby. But I do want to make a baby. I just don't think it should be this hard. I guess, in true character, I'm being stubborn. And then, say we don't have that great a chance at our 100% biological child but we go for it and fail. Well we've spent LOTS out of pocket. Then we go with DE and spend even more. And hopefully that would work--but there's no guarantee. I just don't know how people fund this, when insurance won't cover it. And that is another issue, in and of itself. It is an ABSOLUTE INJUSTICE that IF is not recognized as a medical issue and is not covered by so many insurance companies. My best friend said it's interesting that things like vasectomies and hysterectomies are covered, which was a point I had not thought of and which made me even more incensed. I'm positive that it will change over the years as (unfortunately) more and more people experience difficulties and (hopefully) it becomes less of a "shameful" thing. But until then, good people who've planned their baby-making will have to spend the baby's college fund just to bring it into the world. Man, I'm all over the place tonight - kudos for keeping up with me. :)

I want a happy blog

I'm trying not to freak. DH says "prepare for the worst, hope for the best." Fortunately, I have a funner than usual day at work with a video shoot and other things to pass the time. I checked my personal e-mail and saw that my best friend has set up a blog to correspond with out of town friends re: the baby. As luck would have it, she's using the exact same blog template as me. At first, it made me woefully sad to see such happy news on what looks like "my" blog. There are no IF links on the left side…instead I can view other happy pages devoted to other friends' baby's. I sigh and take it as another way the universe is just f*cking with me. But if I look at it in a different way, maybe this is a glimpse into what my blog may someday look like. Maybe someday I'll post "brag worthy" pictures to share with my sis out of town and relay baby's first steps online…honestly, I can't hardly even imagine that. I was reading a gal's blog yesterday and she had become pregnant after years of trying…but she said she felt like an outsider reading the normal pregnancy blogs, like she was still emotionally tied to the IF side. And I think that's how I'd feel. It's defining and consuming.

So pray/hope/cross fingers/blow on dice…this next chapter of our lives is about to be revealed. I know that no matter what, we'll be okay. But I just want it to be "normal."

Planning for Monday & beyond

We met with our counselor today and discussed what we can do if we get bad news on Monday. I was nervous and trepidacious to begin with but it kind of hit home how much is riding on this phone call. It's just not right to receive news that can change the course of your life over the phone. It was good to talk about how we could memorialize our unrealized dream but it was sooo upsetting to me. And also, if we do receive bad news, I don't know that I'll be satisfied...I don't know that I'll ever be satisfied. I guess it's just the matter of not knowing really when to quit, or when you've done "enough."

I'm really too bummed to write much more but another thing we discussed (and that I'd kinda like feedback on) is whether to go to the hospital when my best friend has her baby in less than two weeks. The timing is obviously awful, whether we get good or bad news. Our counselor said that other women have said hospitals (specifically maternity wards) are exceptionally upsetting to women in my situation because it's just a sea of pink and blue and babies. She's worried that if I were to go, it'd be a "setback" for me. And I get that, but she's like my sister. I don't know that I can be so selfish as to not be a part of the happiest moment in her life. The counselor said it's not being selfish, it's protecting yourself. And I guess if the roles were reversed, I would understand if she didn't want to visit me in the hospital. But I don't know. She's scheduled for a C-section so perhaps I'll have to go out of town on a last minute business trip...I'm officially a chicken.

Sorry to be short. Just feeling blue. I am supposed to figure out a few things to do just for me (there may be Godiva in my future) so maybe that will cheer me up.

My sanctuary, my DH

I had a book club meeting last night and one of my friends and I stayed late and talked. She and her hubby were having some marital trouble last year...mainly that he expressed a new and sudden desire to have children. Apparently (and this is strange to me), the topic had never come up before but my friend thought she'd eventually feel those maternal longings (which she isn't). Well they worked through it (or her husband dropped it) but with another birthday approaching, she's wondering if they should just go for it. I told her about the childfree living book I'd just finished (Sweet Grapes) and how society is structured to support pronatalism. But that choosing to live childfree is a choice and shouldn't be seen as being selfish...you can still be involved with kids, make a difference in the world through volunteering, etc. And as I listened to myself preach the pros of this choice, I wondered who I was trying to convince, her or me...

Then she told me about an older woman she works with who has no children but a really full life and a solid marriage. She said that this couple reminded her of my DH and I...that she sees the devotion we feel for one another and that she thought we'd be ENOUGH for each other...some couples wouldn't be okay without having kids, but that she thought we were strong enough. If her eyes weren't welling with tears (I'm beginning to think things still aren't quite right in her relationship), I could have really delighted in that moment. I am very proud of my marriage. So many couples experiencing IF earn their battle wounds together and that can bond you or tear you apart. In just three short years, DH and I have gone through more hardship than I'd wish on anyone and we've learned how to really talk to each other, be there for each other, and just love on each other. Which is good because sometimes it feels like us against the world...

Here's to my DH...
...Who conquered his fear of needles and administered shot after shot into my soft skin.
...Who wrestled with his "manliness" being questioned but ultimately became a stronger man for it.
...Who goes to counseling with me and speaks for me when the tears catch my voice.
...Who offered to convey what I needed from my friends when I was too chicken/upset to do it myself.
...Who settles down to read (insert book title you never thought you'd own) "Having Your Baby by Egg Donation" in bed.
...Who got me a Mother's Day gift, cuz I'm Mom to a furbaby.
...Who knew not to suggest "Knocked Up" as a weekend movie.

Happy Anniversary, baby. :)

TCM or how to become a hypochondriac

Ugh. I'm just kind of pooped today. Tired of thinking about babies. Tired of wondering what's wrong with me. I read that dang traditional Chinese medicine book, "The Infertility Cure," last night (very exciting evening, I know! But I have a hard time finding "me" time sometimes) and it bummed me out. Basically, there are 11 conditions, 8 of which I possess. Now I know I'm being dramatic and self-diagnosing should be taken with a grain of salt but it was overwhelming. I feel like I'm a healthy person. But when you get down to the nitty gritty questions, yeah I guess I do get dizzy when I stand up fast and I am thirsty a lot...holy cow, all of my organs are deficient! I don't even think I could follow the recommendations in the book cuz my multiple conditions contradict themselves...eat spicy foods to up my Yin, don't eat spicy foods cuz I'm too much Yang... My sister recommended the book and I almost called her last night at 10 pm to see how many conditions she possessed, I was so bummed out. And to say thanks a lot! I'm not a hypochondriac but it was a joke with my best friend cuz whenever one of us had an ailment, I'd go to my Dr. Koop's book and then diagnose Malaria or something completely random. So I probably need to put "The Infertility Cure" away for a bit. But, then I tried to fill out the paperwork for the CCRM and I saw similarities between its questions and ones in "The Infertility Cure" (which is probably good meaning they take a holistic look at things). I just think I need a vacation. Somewhere beautiful within roadtripping distance so we can take our puppy. :)