A quick note

I thought this cartoon was cute and pretty much sums up how I feel. It's just so surreal, as many life changes are. But our first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday and I can't WAIT to meet the baby(s)! I'll admit, I'm hoping it's twins mainly cuz I'd feel bad if one of the transferred embryos didn't make it. DH reminded me that it's amazing we're working on even ONE baby when just a year ago we were told a biological child was not going to be a possibility for us. So I can't be "greedy." Of course I just want to see healthy development and strong, beating hearts.

Amazing.

Love one another this Christmas

I've been a little absent lately. It's still just hard to believe my news. We're contemplating sharing the good news later today at Christmas Eve (with one family) and on Christmas Day (with another). But I'm hesitant because it's still so early and it all feels so surreal. I'm not strongly exhibiting any symptoms, which I should be grateful for, but it kinda makes me feel like a phony. Maybe I'm a LITTLE more tired, my breasts are more sore than usual, but that's it. As far as I know, everything's doing great in there but I sometimes feel like it's a dream.

I did see my acupuncturist last week and she was VERY encouraged with how I'm doing. I was a little unsure about doing acupuncture because I wouldn't be able to know if it helped or not. But I got on the bandwagon, thinking it couldn't hurt. Before we left town for CCRM, she predicted they'd retrieve 10 eggs (which I questioned, saying, "Really? With only one good ovary?!") and 3-4 would be useable. To refresh your memory, they did indeed retrieve exactly 10 eggs, and we ended up with two transferred and two frozen - 4!! And apparently she predicted I'd get pregnant (a very important tidbit which would have made the 2ww so much easier but I apparently forgot that part of her prediction!). So I pretty much think she's a miracle worker. ;) Therefore, her opinion on my state of being is very much appreciated.

I'm sure other IFers who've received a BFP have felt this way. I want to relish in it but instead I'm almost afraid to plan, talk about it, for fear of jinxing things. I'm certainly not complaining, I just wish I wasn't wired this way. I'm sure once we get to see the baby(s) on ultrasound that I'll be reassured and put at ease. That all happens next week and it can't come fast enough! :)

This Christmas, I'm thankful for the wonderful ladies I've met through this forum. Your support for me, even if you were in dark days, is astounding. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts as we head toward a new year...and who knows what it will hold?

Here's a goofy little cartoon for my fellow furbaby parents...my dog was subjected to this but she does wear a nordic sweater/coat outside in the snow...too cute!

Newbie nerves

I went in for my second beta this morning and am still awaiting the results. Unfortunately, my main nurse (whom I befriended) is off today and I doubt the other nurses will sense the urgency on my test results. I'm extra nervous today because I'm experiencing some brown spotting (and I shockingly didn't spot at all during the 2WW) and I had quite the sneeze yesterday followed by some abdominal pain. Surely you can't sneeze out your baby? I sound like white trash asking that - LOL!

I really hope I get to a more comfortable place where I'm not constantly worrying about the baby(s). I just think IFers are more keenly aware of the fragility of life and the minute inner reproductive workings that we know how much can go wrong and don't take any good news for granted. The hours between my lab this morning and now have been painful. I just broke down and took another HPT (I am officially addicted). Luckily, the plus sign came back strong so, for now, I will continue self-diagnosing myself. I called DH at work to tell him the probable good news and he said "so this is how it's gonna be? You test yourself daily? This could get expensive." Then I told him I recently learned that you can buy HPTs at the dollar store (which also sounds a little W.T. - LOL!) and I can get my fix for cheap.

Please keep me in your thoughts and hope for some good numbers!
____________________________________________________________________

Just heard: 521!!! :)

Big sigh of relief....

2nd beta...or not

Today I was due for my second beta and had a heck of a time finding someplace that could do a test on a Sunday. But the hospital lab is open 24x7 and was happy to do the test. So I woke up early, POAS (much stronger positive sign today - phew!), and then headed to the hospital for the official word...only to be told that my insurance company no longer pays for outpatient labs done at the hospital. I shouldn't have been shocked - my insurance (Coventry) hasn't paid for any of our IF costs (cuz it was "out-of-network") - but this seemed so routine and it really irritated me. The nurses had no idea how much it might cost to even give me a ballpark figure, so I opted to wait until tomorrow morning, when I can go to the local fertility clinic. That should be okay, right? I figure the HPT + came in so much stronger this morning that my HCG must be going up...gotta love self-diagnosis. But that's probably right, right?

Of course I'm bummed to not hear how the embryos are doing until tomorrow...but at least I know they're still hanging in there. :)

In other news, my older sister and bro-in-law continue their quest for baby. About a year ago, when our first IVF cycle was canceled, she announced her pregnancy...only to miscarry a little while later. Now that we've finally got good news, they're struggling with what to do about a variocele and a uterine fibroid. If any of you have experience with either of these, can you let me know whether you had them fixed? I hope I'm as sensitive to her as she was to me.

Wow...

I can't hardly believe I'm typing this (the whole day has been surreal!) - I'm pregnant!

After a sleepless night, I got up at 5:30 am and POAS. This being my first time with an HPT, I was impressed to read that I could get results in 2 minutes but those were a very long 2 minutes! It's like those lines taunt you...I was staring so hard at it, seeing the horizontal line and a faint vertical line, and I had to blink to make sure...yes, it is there...but is it correct?

On to the beta...it was bright and early (and the nurse put my mind at ease a little bit, saying the trigger shot would be out of my system by now and "those things" (HPTs) are pretty accurate) and I gratefully got the results back lickety split! DH and I both worked from home today so we could be together when we got the call and we'd been experiencing some technical issues all morning. No sooner than we get the call from our nurse, and (luckily) hear the good news, does our phone cut out! I'm saying "omigosh, I knew we went to this clinic for a reason but I still can't believe it worked! Hello? Hello?!?!" It was like those AT&T commercials, where there's silence on the other end and the person misinterprets it...but the nurse called back and we were able to finish up our conversation and get my next assignment...second beta on Sunday. Keep your fingers crossed everything continues to happen like it should. :)

Also, I just want to say that I started this blog as an outlet for my emotions. But it's ended up being a great support system and I have all of you to thank for that. While I wish the circumstances under which we met were different, the compassion, advice, and positivity I've received have pulled me through times when I felt truly lost or scared.

Some of you are still waiting for the official word and I continue to send good thoughts your way.

Please stay

So we bought a HPT at the grocery store last night, even though DH swore he could wait until Friday (and then he's telling me to take it before we even unpacked the groceries!). Since I've never had the good fortune to take one of these before, we were unaware that it's recommended you do it first thing in the morning. What a killjoy. And then neither of us were too keen to do it this morning regardless of the outcome. "Yay, we're pregnant! See ya after work!" "Holy crap! All that hard work with nothing to show for it...later!" So at this point, I guess I'll just wait for my beta tomorrow.

Obviously, I have been rather obsessed, researching any and all possible early pregnancy symptoms. Pee smelling different, your privates changing color, and the obvious sore breasts. On some days, I think I possess all of these symptoms; other days I have no faith at all. I went in to work this morning for some meetings and all I could think about was: "am I, or aren't I?" And if I'm not, how am I going to feel next week when there's no reason to hope? And if I am, I'm gonna be the happiest damn person in the office, I'll likely be transparent!

I'm clinging to my faith that these babies have stuck around. After my last cycle, my religious faith really suffered and my outlook on life in general was altered for the worse. Somehow, someway, I have come back around and involved my loved ones and involved God in this cycle. So many people have "good feelings" about it and I feel like I'm swirling in a bubble of positivity. And the signs...I've hesitated to mention them for fear of jinxing things...but c'mon! Our babies' due date is our wedding anniversary and also my Grandma's birthday (who passed away the year before we got married). I've just GOT to think it's my Grandma's way of telling me, all the way from heaven, that this is going to work and we'll be meeting our baby(s) soon. I mean, of all the days in a year to have a due date - what are the odds it'd be this very special day??!!

Please pray for us. I hope I'm not building myself up to just face disappointment tomorrow. The babies have GOT to know how loved they already are and how much we want them. Surely they'll stick around for that...

Hypothetically speaking...

...if I had the nerve to take an HPT, and my trigger shot was 11/29 at 2 am in the morning, and my retrieval was 11/30 at 2 pm...when could I get an accurate read?

Just hypothetically speaking...cuz I don't think I have the nerve. :(