A quick note

I thought this cartoon was cute and pretty much sums up how I feel. It's just so surreal, as many life changes are. But our first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday and I can't WAIT to meet the baby(s)! I'll admit, I'm hoping it's twins mainly cuz I'd feel bad if one of the transferred embryos didn't make it. DH reminded me that it's amazing we're working on even ONE baby when just a year ago we were told a biological child was not going to be a possibility for us. So I can't be "greedy." Of course I just want to see healthy development and strong, beating hearts.

Amazing.

Love one another this Christmas

I've been a little absent lately. It's still just hard to believe my news. We're contemplating sharing the good news later today at Christmas Eve (with one family) and on Christmas Day (with another). But I'm hesitant because it's still so early and it all feels so surreal. I'm not strongly exhibiting any symptoms, which I should be grateful for, but it kinda makes me feel like a phony. Maybe I'm a LITTLE more tired, my breasts are more sore than usual, but that's it. As far as I know, everything's doing great in there but I sometimes feel like it's a dream.

I did see my acupuncturist last week and she was VERY encouraged with how I'm doing. I was a little unsure about doing acupuncture because I wouldn't be able to know if it helped or not. But I got on the bandwagon, thinking it couldn't hurt. Before we left town for CCRM, she predicted they'd retrieve 10 eggs (which I questioned, saying, "Really? With only one good ovary?!") and 3-4 would be useable. To refresh your memory, they did indeed retrieve exactly 10 eggs, and we ended up with two transferred and two frozen - 4!! And apparently she predicted I'd get pregnant (a very important tidbit which would have made the 2ww so much easier but I apparently forgot that part of her prediction!). So I pretty much think she's a miracle worker. ;) Therefore, her opinion on my state of being is very much appreciated.

I'm sure other IFers who've received a BFP have felt this way. I want to relish in it but instead I'm almost afraid to plan, talk about it, for fear of jinxing things. I'm certainly not complaining, I just wish I wasn't wired this way. I'm sure once we get to see the baby(s) on ultrasound that I'll be reassured and put at ease. That all happens next week and it can't come fast enough! :)

This Christmas, I'm thankful for the wonderful ladies I've met through this forum. Your support for me, even if you were in dark days, is astounding. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts as we head toward a new year...and who knows what it will hold?

Here's a goofy little cartoon for my fellow furbaby parents...my dog was subjected to this but she does wear a nordic sweater/coat outside in the snow...too cute!

Newbie nerves

I went in for my second beta this morning and am still awaiting the results. Unfortunately, my main nurse (whom I befriended) is off today and I doubt the other nurses will sense the urgency on my test results. I'm extra nervous today because I'm experiencing some brown spotting (and I shockingly didn't spot at all during the 2WW) and I had quite the sneeze yesterday followed by some abdominal pain. Surely you can't sneeze out your baby? I sound like white trash asking that - LOL!

I really hope I get to a more comfortable place where I'm not constantly worrying about the baby(s). I just think IFers are more keenly aware of the fragility of life and the minute inner reproductive workings that we know how much can go wrong and don't take any good news for granted. The hours between my lab this morning and now have been painful. I just broke down and took another HPT (I am officially addicted). Luckily, the plus sign came back strong so, for now, I will continue self-diagnosing myself. I called DH at work to tell him the probable good news and he said "so this is how it's gonna be? You test yourself daily? This could get expensive." Then I told him I recently learned that you can buy HPTs at the dollar store (which also sounds a little W.T. - LOL!) and I can get my fix for cheap.

Please keep me in your thoughts and hope for some good numbers!
____________________________________________________________________

Just heard: 521!!! :)

Big sigh of relief....

2nd beta...or not

Today I was due for my second beta and had a heck of a time finding someplace that could do a test on a Sunday. But the hospital lab is open 24x7 and was happy to do the test. So I woke up early, POAS (much stronger positive sign today - phew!), and then headed to the hospital for the official word...only to be told that my insurance company no longer pays for outpatient labs done at the hospital. I shouldn't have been shocked - my insurance (Coventry) hasn't paid for any of our IF costs (cuz it was "out-of-network") - but this seemed so routine and it really irritated me. The nurses had no idea how much it might cost to even give me a ballpark figure, so I opted to wait until tomorrow morning, when I can go to the local fertility clinic. That should be okay, right? I figure the HPT + came in so much stronger this morning that my HCG must be going up...gotta love self-diagnosis. But that's probably right, right?

Of course I'm bummed to not hear how the embryos are doing until tomorrow...but at least I know they're still hanging in there. :)

In other news, my older sister and bro-in-law continue their quest for baby. About a year ago, when our first IVF cycle was canceled, she announced her pregnancy...only to miscarry a little while later. Now that we've finally got good news, they're struggling with what to do about a variocele and a uterine fibroid. If any of you have experience with either of these, can you let me know whether you had them fixed? I hope I'm as sensitive to her as she was to me.

Wow...

I can't hardly believe I'm typing this (the whole day has been surreal!) - I'm pregnant!

After a sleepless night, I got up at 5:30 am and POAS. This being my first time with an HPT, I was impressed to read that I could get results in 2 minutes but those were a very long 2 minutes! It's like those lines taunt you...I was staring so hard at it, seeing the horizontal line and a faint vertical line, and I had to blink to make sure...yes, it is there...but is it correct?

On to the beta...it was bright and early (and the nurse put my mind at ease a little bit, saying the trigger shot would be out of my system by now and "those things" (HPTs) are pretty accurate) and I gratefully got the results back lickety split! DH and I both worked from home today so we could be together when we got the call and we'd been experiencing some technical issues all morning. No sooner than we get the call from our nurse, and (luckily) hear the good news, does our phone cut out! I'm saying "omigosh, I knew we went to this clinic for a reason but I still can't believe it worked! Hello? Hello?!?!" It was like those AT&T commercials, where there's silence on the other end and the person misinterprets it...but the nurse called back and we were able to finish up our conversation and get my next assignment...second beta on Sunday. Keep your fingers crossed everything continues to happen like it should. :)

Also, I just want to say that I started this blog as an outlet for my emotions. But it's ended up being a great support system and I have all of you to thank for that. While I wish the circumstances under which we met were different, the compassion, advice, and positivity I've received have pulled me through times when I felt truly lost or scared.

Some of you are still waiting for the official word and I continue to send good thoughts your way.

Please stay

So we bought a HPT at the grocery store last night, even though DH swore he could wait until Friday (and then he's telling me to take it before we even unpacked the groceries!). Since I've never had the good fortune to take one of these before, we were unaware that it's recommended you do it first thing in the morning. What a killjoy. And then neither of us were too keen to do it this morning regardless of the outcome. "Yay, we're pregnant! See ya after work!" "Holy crap! All that hard work with nothing to show for it...later!" So at this point, I guess I'll just wait for my beta tomorrow.

Obviously, I have been rather obsessed, researching any and all possible early pregnancy symptoms. Pee smelling different, your privates changing color, and the obvious sore breasts. On some days, I think I possess all of these symptoms; other days I have no faith at all. I went in to work this morning for some meetings and all I could think about was: "am I, or aren't I?" And if I'm not, how am I going to feel next week when there's no reason to hope? And if I am, I'm gonna be the happiest damn person in the office, I'll likely be transparent!

I'm clinging to my faith that these babies have stuck around. After my last cycle, my religious faith really suffered and my outlook on life in general was altered for the worse. Somehow, someway, I have come back around and involved my loved ones and involved God in this cycle. So many people have "good feelings" about it and I feel like I'm swirling in a bubble of positivity. And the signs...I've hesitated to mention them for fear of jinxing things...but c'mon! Our babies' due date is our wedding anniversary and also my Grandma's birthday (who passed away the year before we got married). I've just GOT to think it's my Grandma's way of telling me, all the way from heaven, that this is going to work and we'll be meeting our baby(s) soon. I mean, of all the days in a year to have a due date - what are the odds it'd be this very special day??!!

Please pray for us. I hope I'm not building myself up to just face disappointment tomorrow. The babies have GOT to know how loved they already are and how much we want them. Surely they'll stick around for that...

Hypothetically speaking...

...if I had the nerve to take an HPT, and my trigger shot was 11/29 at 2 am in the morning, and my retrieval was 11/30 at 2 pm...when could I get an accurate read?

Just hypothetically speaking...cuz I don't think I have the nerve. :(

5dp5dt

Not to steal Carrie's idea but I totally agree with her! I need a cryptically titled post (yes, I had to look up exactly what it stood for - it's my first time, what can I say?!?!). We should wear these titles like a badge of honor! I have a newfound understanding for all the IFers who have had posts like this in the past...I read about how awful the wait was, the temptation to take a HPT, reading into every potential symptom...but until you experience it, gosh, you have no idea. This is awful! And with a day 5 transfer, the clinic said if the embryos were going to implant, they would do so within 24 hours of transfer. That seems like such a short window and yet I'm waiting and hoping until this Friday on the someone(s) who've already made their decision whether to stick around. In true form, the roller coaster continues with me feeling so positive one minute and Negative Nelly the next. I am back at work today, which has thankfully occupied my mind. But the lack of new television programming tonight due to the writer's strike is going to allow my mind to wander...ahhh! ;) I just want to say thanks again for the words of support from my small but mighty blog friends. It's uncanny how many of us are cycling together, considering I'm not a "power blogger" or anything. We can make it, I just know it. :)

Am I a good hostess?

I'm off bedrest and back at the computer! Transfer went great - they transferred 2 embryos, one 4AA, the other 4BA. Everything went really well - no pain or anything. The nurses were amazed how quickly my bladder filled and I actually had to relieve myself before they did it. One of them said, just wait until you have someone competing for that bladder space! I really love how positive everyone was but it also kind of freaked me out. I told DH, could it really be this easy, to get pregnant off our first full IVF cycle? Only an IFer would say something like that! Like anything about this has been easy!?!?! But we were so blown away by good news after good news that I have to have faith this will result in a pregnancy and we'll get to meet the little one(s) in 9 months.

The bedrest went good - of course I'm willing to do anything that will help this work. I did get annoyed at one point because it'd been about 3 hours of DH and my dad playing PS3 in the other room while I was prone in the bedroom. Apparently they thought I could entertain myself endlessly! I was also a little disappointed in our dog, who wanted nothing to do with me while I was in bed. Strange, because she usually whines and jumps up if I'm even SITTING on the bed, wanting to be near me. Maybe she was trying to give me space, maybe she was insulted by the idea of us wanting two-legged babies. ;) Now that we've made the drive home and we're back on our own turf, I'm happy to report that we've made up. :)

And the wait begins. Perhaps the hardest part of this whole thing. I'm just praying praying praying that I'm pregnant. And trying to visualize what it'd be like to have the round belly and the home filled with baby sounds. Keep sending those positive vibes, please!

P.S. They were able to freeze 2 additional blastocysts, both in great shape. I didn't quite understand what happened to the last one...it developed too quickly or something. But 4 out of 5 is remarkable I think! :)

Our embryos ARE tough!

So today is Day 3 and we were all ready for the transfer. I showered with my unscented soap for an extra long time since I'd be on bed rest...the dog was freshly washed since I'd undoubtedly be sharing my bed with her for the next 48 hours...and then an IVF lab nurse called about an hour before my acupuncture appointment. Apparently our embryos are absolute BAD ASSES and all 5 of them are dividing and looking just perfect! So the doctor wants to wait until the blastocyst stage to up our chances even more and get the best of the best transferred. I could not believe it! To get this phone call was an absolute dream come true! I've been thinking about our future babies just hanging out down the street from us (which is so weird, you know? You're concentrating on them so hard, seeing them progress every day in ultrasounds, and then they're out of you and doing their thing on their own!) and hoping and praying they were hanging in there...and sure enough! I was kind of nervous at first, waiting until day 5, because I liked the thought of transferring some and having some to freeze but once the nurse explained things, I see it's better to wait and get the best ones transferred.

For posterity's sake ;)

• Three 8 celled, graded 3+, 4-, 4
• One 9 celled, grade 4
• One 6 celled, grade 4-

(4 is the best - I know clinics have different rankings)

This cycle is 180 degrees different from last year's. Every time we went in for ultrasounds, it seemed like my lack of progress was just confirming what the hometown doc thought and he was humoring us to keep checking. Now it seems like my body has recovered from my laparoscopic surgery and everyone is so pleased with my performance. We just keep getting good news and I'm sooo thankful for that. I'm thankful for all the positivity I've managed to project, and all the prayers and good thoughts, and for the good docs, and for our superstar embryos! I know we still have a ways to go but I'm so encouraged! Thanks to my online buddies for support, too! It's neat to share this news with people who wholly understand it. :)

Screw peace! I'm making follicles, eggs, and embryos!

I'm not disciplined enough to stay up on my blogging plus we traveled out of town for these final weeks so it's been harder to get to the computer. Lots has happened!

Our dog did great during the car ride. I'd bought Bach's Stress Relief (yoga in a bottle) for her cuz it seemed more natural than Benadryl but we didn't need to use it...she was a perfect passenger! I have cracked it open since we've been in the hotel...she is none too keen on being left alone while we go to doctor's appointments, etc. But it's getting better the longer we're here.

My daily ultrasounds went well...we continue to be impressed with their efficiency, which is nice. Makes you realize what pros they are at this. My first appointment was on a Sunday and my friends/family who knew about it were just shocked that they were open on a Sunday. Then there were like 12 people in the waiting room. Which made me feel less alone but it was also so sad that there as so many people that need this type of help. But at least we're all getting that help. Anyway, it consistently looked like I had about 7-9 follicles on the left side and 2 "resting" ones on the right (where my cyst was). I was pretty much on schedule as far as how I was progressing and everyone was so pleased with what I was producing...not (obviously) cuz it's so much but because all signs had been pointing to much less of a response. All those ovary pep talks were paying off!

My dad flew in before the retrieval, since DH and I would both be laid up. It was unsure as to what procedure they'd do on DH to get sperm, starting out with PESA and progressing to MESA, if need be. So we got word to do the trigger shot at 2 a.m. (of course, right?!) which I had no beef over. I was just overjoyed to actually GET to do the trigger shot. It meant we were sooo close and I couldn't be happier! DH was awfully nervous about the IM shot and I felt worse for him than I did for me. It truly didn't hurt as he did it...but the next morning? A different story. ;)

Anyway, on to retrieval day. I really wasn't nervous. It's strange - I haven't worried too much about all this. I've tried to stay so positive and hopeful and concentrating on a successful outcome. I'm sure it's helped too, that everyone at the Center has been so positive as well. The doctor who did my IVF physical said if she had to flip a coin, she figured I'd get pregnant. Which thrilled me but DH was leery of all this talk, not wanting me to get my hopes up. I agree, it was a rather bold thing to tell a woman hopped up on hormones! ;) Anyway, DH's procedure was first and I followed an hour later. It's upsetting to see your loved one in the hospital garb, all defenseless looking. He was disappointed that he was going first and wouldn't be around to comfort me before my procedure. I think my dad, who witnessed all this lovey dovey-ness, had even more respect for DH and how he treats me. Thankfully, I found out before I was wheeled back that the PESA was successful. And the urologist was able to locate enough sperm to freeze some for later (if we should need it).

When I slowly drifted out of anesthesia and professed my love again to my DH from across the room (LOL), I was told that they retrieved 10 eggs - woo hoo! :) I was just sooo glad that they were able to get all of them...of course I'd read scary stories about eggs moving out of the ovary before retrieval and being lost forever. Plus I was just worried about losing any of them during the procedure, due to human error. I just didn't have any that I could risk losing! We would get the call about fertilization the next day (today) and would be taking it easy until then. I was so happy that DH's procedure was the less invasive one and he was in true bad ass form, not even needing any prescribed pain killers.

In the meantime, I tried to focus on our eggs and sperm finally meeting and being just as compatible as their parents. I'm a dork. But I was sending them happy, glowing thoughts from our hotel bed and contemplating my changing views on stem cell research (LOL).

This morning, I was wondering when we'd hear from the embryologist when the phone rang. So 5 were mature, and 5 were immature. But of the 5 mature eggs, ALL of them fertilized! He informed me we'd have a day 3 transfer (which I figure is mostly due to the numbers?) and we'd know then about the quality. Of course I wanted all 10 to be mature and fertilize, even though that's not very realistic. I was just prepared to be a modern miracle of science! But even still, 5 for 5 is 100% and it doesn't get much better than that! So Monday is the big day. When I have my first ever shot at actually being pregnant. Hell, I think I'm gonna consider myself "with child" once they put the embryos in. Sure, it's not how science works but I don't give a damn.
Wish me luck that they stick around and I can be the scientifically defined pregnant. ;)