A quick note

I thought this cartoon was cute and pretty much sums up how I feel. It's just so surreal, as many life changes are. But our first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday and I can't WAIT to meet the baby(s)! I'll admit, I'm hoping it's twins mainly cuz I'd feel bad if one of the transferred embryos didn't make it. DH reminded me that it's amazing we're working on even ONE baby when just a year ago we were told a biological child was not going to be a possibility for us. So I can't be "greedy." Of course I just want to see healthy development and strong, beating hearts.

Amazing.

Love one another this Christmas

I've been a little absent lately. It's still just hard to believe my news. We're contemplating sharing the good news later today at Christmas Eve (with one family) and on Christmas Day (with another). But I'm hesitant because it's still so early and it all feels so surreal. I'm not strongly exhibiting any symptoms, which I should be grateful for, but it kinda makes me feel like a phony. Maybe I'm a LITTLE more tired, my breasts are more sore than usual, but that's it. As far as I know, everything's doing great in there but I sometimes feel like it's a dream.

I did see my acupuncturist last week and she was VERY encouraged with how I'm doing. I was a little unsure about doing acupuncture because I wouldn't be able to know if it helped or not. But I got on the bandwagon, thinking it couldn't hurt. Before we left town for CCRM, she predicted they'd retrieve 10 eggs (which I questioned, saying, "Really? With only one good ovary?!") and 3-4 would be useable. To refresh your memory, they did indeed retrieve exactly 10 eggs, and we ended up with two transferred and two frozen - 4!! And apparently she predicted I'd get pregnant (a very important tidbit which would have made the 2ww so much easier but I apparently forgot that part of her prediction!). So I pretty much think she's a miracle worker. ;) Therefore, her opinion on my state of being is very much appreciated.

I'm sure other IFers who've received a BFP have felt this way. I want to relish in it but instead I'm almost afraid to plan, talk about it, for fear of jinxing things. I'm certainly not complaining, I just wish I wasn't wired this way. I'm sure once we get to see the baby(s) on ultrasound that I'll be reassured and put at ease. That all happens next week and it can't come fast enough! :)

This Christmas, I'm thankful for the wonderful ladies I've met through this forum. Your support for me, even if you were in dark days, is astounding. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts as we head toward a new year...and who knows what it will hold?

Here's a goofy little cartoon for my fellow furbaby parents...my dog was subjected to this but she does wear a nordic sweater/coat outside in the snow...too cute!

Newbie nerves

I went in for my second beta this morning and am still awaiting the results. Unfortunately, my main nurse (whom I befriended) is off today and I doubt the other nurses will sense the urgency on my test results. I'm extra nervous today because I'm experiencing some brown spotting (and I shockingly didn't spot at all during the 2WW) and I had quite the sneeze yesterday followed by some abdominal pain. Surely you can't sneeze out your baby? I sound like white trash asking that - LOL!

I really hope I get to a more comfortable place where I'm not constantly worrying about the baby(s). I just think IFers are more keenly aware of the fragility of life and the minute inner reproductive workings that we know how much can go wrong and don't take any good news for granted. The hours between my lab this morning and now have been painful. I just broke down and took another HPT (I am officially addicted). Luckily, the plus sign came back strong so, for now, I will continue self-diagnosing myself. I called DH at work to tell him the probable good news and he said "so this is how it's gonna be? You test yourself daily? This could get expensive." Then I told him I recently learned that you can buy HPTs at the dollar store (which also sounds a little W.T. - LOL!) and I can get my fix for cheap.

Please keep me in your thoughts and hope for some good numbers!
____________________________________________________________________

Just heard: 521!!! :)

Big sigh of relief....

2nd beta...or not

Today I was due for my second beta and had a heck of a time finding someplace that could do a test on a Sunday. But the hospital lab is open 24x7 and was happy to do the test. So I woke up early, POAS (much stronger positive sign today - phew!), and then headed to the hospital for the official word...only to be told that my insurance company no longer pays for outpatient labs done at the hospital. I shouldn't have been shocked - my insurance (Coventry) hasn't paid for any of our IF costs (cuz it was "out-of-network") - but this seemed so routine and it really irritated me. The nurses had no idea how much it might cost to even give me a ballpark figure, so I opted to wait until tomorrow morning, when I can go to the local fertility clinic. That should be okay, right? I figure the HPT + came in so much stronger this morning that my HCG must be going up...gotta love self-diagnosis. But that's probably right, right?

Of course I'm bummed to not hear how the embryos are doing until tomorrow...but at least I know they're still hanging in there. :)

In other news, my older sister and bro-in-law continue their quest for baby. About a year ago, when our first IVF cycle was canceled, she announced her pregnancy...only to miscarry a little while later. Now that we've finally got good news, they're struggling with what to do about a variocele and a uterine fibroid. If any of you have experience with either of these, can you let me know whether you had them fixed? I hope I'm as sensitive to her as she was to me.

Wow...

I can't hardly believe I'm typing this (the whole day has been surreal!) - I'm pregnant!

After a sleepless night, I got up at 5:30 am and POAS. This being my first time with an HPT, I was impressed to read that I could get results in 2 minutes but those were a very long 2 minutes! It's like those lines taunt you...I was staring so hard at it, seeing the horizontal line and a faint vertical line, and I had to blink to make sure...yes, it is there...but is it correct?

On to the beta...it was bright and early (and the nurse put my mind at ease a little bit, saying the trigger shot would be out of my system by now and "those things" (HPTs) are pretty accurate) and I gratefully got the results back lickety split! DH and I both worked from home today so we could be together when we got the call and we'd been experiencing some technical issues all morning. No sooner than we get the call from our nurse, and (luckily) hear the good news, does our phone cut out! I'm saying "omigosh, I knew we went to this clinic for a reason but I still can't believe it worked! Hello? Hello?!?!" It was like those AT&T commercials, where there's silence on the other end and the person misinterprets it...but the nurse called back and we were able to finish up our conversation and get my next assignment...second beta on Sunday. Keep your fingers crossed everything continues to happen like it should. :)

Also, I just want to say that I started this blog as an outlet for my emotions. But it's ended up being a great support system and I have all of you to thank for that. While I wish the circumstances under which we met were different, the compassion, advice, and positivity I've received have pulled me through times when I felt truly lost or scared.

Some of you are still waiting for the official word and I continue to send good thoughts your way.

Please stay

So we bought a HPT at the grocery store last night, even though DH swore he could wait until Friday (and then he's telling me to take it before we even unpacked the groceries!). Since I've never had the good fortune to take one of these before, we were unaware that it's recommended you do it first thing in the morning. What a killjoy. And then neither of us were too keen to do it this morning regardless of the outcome. "Yay, we're pregnant! See ya after work!" "Holy crap! All that hard work with nothing to show for it...later!" So at this point, I guess I'll just wait for my beta tomorrow.

Obviously, I have been rather obsessed, researching any and all possible early pregnancy symptoms. Pee smelling different, your privates changing color, and the obvious sore breasts. On some days, I think I possess all of these symptoms; other days I have no faith at all. I went in to work this morning for some meetings and all I could think about was: "am I, or aren't I?" And if I'm not, how am I going to feel next week when there's no reason to hope? And if I am, I'm gonna be the happiest damn person in the office, I'll likely be transparent!

I'm clinging to my faith that these babies have stuck around. After my last cycle, my religious faith really suffered and my outlook on life in general was altered for the worse. Somehow, someway, I have come back around and involved my loved ones and involved God in this cycle. So many people have "good feelings" about it and I feel like I'm swirling in a bubble of positivity. And the signs...I've hesitated to mention them for fear of jinxing things...but c'mon! Our babies' due date is our wedding anniversary and also my Grandma's birthday (who passed away the year before we got married). I've just GOT to think it's my Grandma's way of telling me, all the way from heaven, that this is going to work and we'll be meeting our baby(s) soon. I mean, of all the days in a year to have a due date - what are the odds it'd be this very special day??!!

Please pray for us. I hope I'm not building myself up to just face disappointment tomorrow. The babies have GOT to know how loved they already are and how much we want them. Surely they'll stick around for that...

Hypothetically speaking...

...if I had the nerve to take an HPT, and my trigger shot was 11/29 at 2 am in the morning, and my retrieval was 11/30 at 2 pm...when could I get an accurate read?

Just hypothetically speaking...cuz I don't think I have the nerve. :(

5dp5dt

Not to steal Carrie's idea but I totally agree with her! I need a cryptically titled post (yes, I had to look up exactly what it stood for - it's my first time, what can I say?!?!). We should wear these titles like a badge of honor! I have a newfound understanding for all the IFers who have had posts like this in the past...I read about how awful the wait was, the temptation to take a HPT, reading into every potential symptom...but until you experience it, gosh, you have no idea. This is awful! And with a day 5 transfer, the clinic said if the embryos were going to implant, they would do so within 24 hours of transfer. That seems like such a short window and yet I'm waiting and hoping until this Friday on the someone(s) who've already made their decision whether to stick around. In true form, the roller coaster continues with me feeling so positive one minute and Negative Nelly the next. I am back at work today, which has thankfully occupied my mind. But the lack of new television programming tonight due to the writer's strike is going to allow my mind to wander...ahhh! ;) I just want to say thanks again for the words of support from my small but mighty blog friends. It's uncanny how many of us are cycling together, considering I'm not a "power blogger" or anything. We can make it, I just know it. :)

Am I a good hostess?

I'm off bedrest and back at the computer! Transfer went great - they transferred 2 embryos, one 4AA, the other 4BA. Everything went really well - no pain or anything. The nurses were amazed how quickly my bladder filled and I actually had to relieve myself before they did it. One of them said, just wait until you have someone competing for that bladder space! I really love how positive everyone was but it also kind of freaked me out. I told DH, could it really be this easy, to get pregnant off our first full IVF cycle? Only an IFer would say something like that! Like anything about this has been easy!?!?! But we were so blown away by good news after good news that I have to have faith this will result in a pregnancy and we'll get to meet the little one(s) in 9 months.

The bedrest went good - of course I'm willing to do anything that will help this work. I did get annoyed at one point because it'd been about 3 hours of DH and my dad playing PS3 in the other room while I was prone in the bedroom. Apparently they thought I could entertain myself endlessly! I was also a little disappointed in our dog, who wanted nothing to do with me while I was in bed. Strange, because she usually whines and jumps up if I'm even SITTING on the bed, wanting to be near me. Maybe she was trying to give me space, maybe she was insulted by the idea of us wanting two-legged babies. ;) Now that we've made the drive home and we're back on our own turf, I'm happy to report that we've made up. :)

And the wait begins. Perhaps the hardest part of this whole thing. I'm just praying praying praying that I'm pregnant. And trying to visualize what it'd be like to have the round belly and the home filled with baby sounds. Keep sending those positive vibes, please!

P.S. They were able to freeze 2 additional blastocysts, both in great shape. I didn't quite understand what happened to the last one...it developed too quickly or something. But 4 out of 5 is remarkable I think! :)

Our embryos ARE tough!

So today is Day 3 and we were all ready for the transfer. I showered with my unscented soap for an extra long time since I'd be on bed rest...the dog was freshly washed since I'd undoubtedly be sharing my bed with her for the next 48 hours...and then an IVF lab nurse called about an hour before my acupuncture appointment. Apparently our embryos are absolute BAD ASSES and all 5 of them are dividing and looking just perfect! So the doctor wants to wait until the blastocyst stage to up our chances even more and get the best of the best transferred. I could not believe it! To get this phone call was an absolute dream come true! I've been thinking about our future babies just hanging out down the street from us (which is so weird, you know? You're concentrating on them so hard, seeing them progress every day in ultrasounds, and then they're out of you and doing their thing on their own!) and hoping and praying they were hanging in there...and sure enough! I was kind of nervous at first, waiting until day 5, because I liked the thought of transferring some and having some to freeze but once the nurse explained things, I see it's better to wait and get the best ones transferred.

For posterity's sake ;)

• Three 8 celled, graded 3+, 4-, 4
• One 9 celled, grade 4
• One 6 celled, grade 4-

(4 is the best - I know clinics have different rankings)

This cycle is 180 degrees different from last year's. Every time we went in for ultrasounds, it seemed like my lack of progress was just confirming what the hometown doc thought and he was humoring us to keep checking. Now it seems like my body has recovered from my laparoscopic surgery and everyone is so pleased with my performance. We just keep getting good news and I'm sooo thankful for that. I'm thankful for all the positivity I've managed to project, and all the prayers and good thoughts, and for the good docs, and for our superstar embryos! I know we still have a ways to go but I'm so encouraged! Thanks to my online buddies for support, too! It's neat to share this news with people who wholly understand it. :)

Screw peace! I'm making follicles, eggs, and embryos!

I'm not disciplined enough to stay up on my blogging plus we traveled out of town for these final weeks so it's been harder to get to the computer. Lots has happened!

Our dog did great during the car ride. I'd bought Bach's Stress Relief (yoga in a bottle) for her cuz it seemed more natural than Benadryl but we didn't need to use it...she was a perfect passenger! I have cracked it open since we've been in the hotel...she is none too keen on being left alone while we go to doctor's appointments, etc. But it's getting better the longer we're here.

My daily ultrasounds went well...we continue to be impressed with their efficiency, which is nice. Makes you realize what pros they are at this. My first appointment was on a Sunday and my friends/family who knew about it were just shocked that they were open on a Sunday. Then there were like 12 people in the waiting room. Which made me feel less alone but it was also so sad that there as so many people that need this type of help. But at least we're all getting that help. Anyway, it consistently looked like I had about 7-9 follicles on the left side and 2 "resting" ones on the right (where my cyst was). I was pretty much on schedule as far as how I was progressing and everyone was so pleased with what I was producing...not (obviously) cuz it's so much but because all signs had been pointing to much less of a response. All those ovary pep talks were paying off!

My dad flew in before the retrieval, since DH and I would both be laid up. It was unsure as to what procedure they'd do on DH to get sperm, starting out with PESA and progressing to MESA, if need be. So we got word to do the trigger shot at 2 a.m. (of course, right?!) which I had no beef over. I was just overjoyed to actually GET to do the trigger shot. It meant we were sooo close and I couldn't be happier! DH was awfully nervous about the IM shot and I felt worse for him than I did for me. It truly didn't hurt as he did it...but the next morning? A different story. ;)

Anyway, on to retrieval day. I really wasn't nervous. It's strange - I haven't worried too much about all this. I've tried to stay so positive and hopeful and concentrating on a successful outcome. I'm sure it's helped too, that everyone at the Center has been so positive as well. The doctor who did my IVF physical said if she had to flip a coin, she figured I'd get pregnant. Which thrilled me but DH was leery of all this talk, not wanting me to get my hopes up. I agree, it was a rather bold thing to tell a woman hopped up on hormones! ;) Anyway, DH's procedure was first and I followed an hour later. It's upsetting to see your loved one in the hospital garb, all defenseless looking. He was disappointed that he was going first and wouldn't be around to comfort me before my procedure. I think my dad, who witnessed all this lovey dovey-ness, had even more respect for DH and how he treats me. Thankfully, I found out before I was wheeled back that the PESA was successful. And the urologist was able to locate enough sperm to freeze some for later (if we should need it).

When I slowly drifted out of anesthesia and professed my love again to my DH from across the room (LOL), I was told that they retrieved 10 eggs - woo hoo! :) I was just sooo glad that they were able to get all of them...of course I'd read scary stories about eggs moving out of the ovary before retrieval and being lost forever. Plus I was just worried about losing any of them during the procedure, due to human error. I just didn't have any that I could risk losing! We would get the call about fertilization the next day (today) and would be taking it easy until then. I was so happy that DH's procedure was the less invasive one and he was in true bad ass form, not even needing any prescribed pain killers.

In the meantime, I tried to focus on our eggs and sperm finally meeting and being just as compatible as their parents. I'm a dork. But I was sending them happy, glowing thoughts from our hotel bed and contemplating my changing views on stem cell research (LOL).

This morning, I was wondering when we'd hear from the embryologist when the phone rang. So 5 were mature, and 5 were immature. But of the 5 mature eggs, ALL of them fertilized! He informed me we'd have a day 3 transfer (which I figure is mostly due to the numbers?) and we'd know then about the quality. Of course I wanted all 10 to be mature and fertilize, even though that's not very realistic. I was just prepared to be a modern miracle of science! But even still, 5 for 5 is 100% and it doesn't get much better than that! So Monday is the big day. When I have my first ever shot at actually being pregnant. Hell, I think I'm gonna consider myself "with child" once they put the embryos in. Sure, it's not how science works but I don't give a damn.
Wish me luck that they stick around and I can be the scientifically defined pregnant. ;)

"My body is my ally"

I tried something new last night - guided meditation. My acupuncturist was selling this CD, Health Journeys Guided Meditation Help for Infertility, and raved about it. Being the good shopper, I found it on Amazon for a few bucks cheaper (hey, every little bit helps when you're paying for IVF out-of-pocket!). I listened last night and some of what she said had me in tears...which probably isn't very relaxing for me but what can I say...I'm uber emotional right now. Her voice seemed kinda goofy at first, sooo monotone but peaceful but I fell under her spell...to the point that I ended up falling asleep! So when I wasn't crying or sleeping, I really enjoyed it - LOL! I'm really thinking I need this positive energy this time around...I need to envision it happening, feel my belly getting bigger and tight, imagine my best friend sharing pregnancy/baby tips with me... I do think there is something to be said about the mind/body connection and I'm really trying to tap into that.

This cycle is different from the last - I think DH and I have grown a lot. It's not so shameful and I'm more open about it, which is refreshing. We have so many people pulling for us this time, praying, thinking good thoughts and it makes me feel less alone. And God forbid, if it isn't successful, yeah more people will know but I don't think I'll be embarrassed about it like I would have been last year. This isn't our fault - we both live exceptionally clean lives and take care of ourselves. And since we've been trying to conceive, I literally feel like we've done EVERYTHING we could to make it happen. So I can't think we didn't try hard enough. When DH is rubbing burning mugwort over Sharpie-indicated points on my back, and my belly looks like Connect the Dots from needles and a Sharpie - I know we've done it all. So now I have to accept that my body is "my ally, my oldest friend", and will continue to sustain my life and make a nourishing home for my baby's (that's my meditator's line, but I like it!).

I did find somewhere to go tomorrow for my ultrasound - the doctor's office who did IVF #1. So I have the additional incentive to get these ovaries to respond so I can knock his socks off! Mr. Insensitivity, nothing I can do, move to donor eggs! Take that! My first ultrasound showed 5 follicles, 2 on the ovary that had the cyst removed! So I'm encouraged. :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I hope we can all find something to be thankful for even if we're in the toughest chapter of our lives.

Frickety frack!!

Oh I so hoped I'd be "by the book" when it came to getting my period. I wasn't exhibiting any signs like breast tenderness, etc. so I figured I had a few more days. But no. Last night I felt the crampy twinges and it was here. This is such a big deal because I haven't located a clinic that's open on weekends (or the day after Thanksgiving, which I'll also need), our cycle will be moved up a lot, my dad's booked his flight, our hotel has been booked, and I'll have to start the big drugs much sooner than I was anticipating! Booooo!

I just have to relax and know it will all work out. And it will. I just felt like such a good little planner, with everything in order and then my body messed it all up.

Acupuncture

So I figured nothing else is covered by insurance, why not throw some other out of pocket treatments in to the mix?! Really, at this point, what's a few more hundred dollars?! Gawh...

The counselor referred us to an acupuncturist and I went in for my consultation. It was just like I'd read about in the TCM book, when I diagnosed every organ function as deficient (LOL!). She took my pulse and peered at my tongue. And the diagnosis actually wasn't terrible! I am lacking in Yang (heat)/there is too much cold in me. So I've been eating meat like the biggest carnivore, trying to get blood to my uterus.

My first session was odd, just because I didn't know what to expect. She stuck me and then abandoned me in the room with only my thoughts (gasp!)! But I found that room exceptionally serene and have almost fallen asleep on the table each time. It's just weird - maybe cuz it's time that I'm forced to do nothing (and I'm always going going going) or maybe it is the chi flowing through my body better....whatever it is, I feel better afterwards. I had to do a "fast track" program because I'm not going the recommended 3 months before a cycle and the acupuncturist had a planned trip to China. But I feel good about it and she does too. Every time I see her, she swears I'm getting better (she's a very passionate woman!) and has even predicted how many eggs she thinks I'll produce and how many will fertilize. DH, who's somewhat skeptical about all this (mainly because we'll never know if it helped, whereas if you went to an acupuncturist for pain and then it lessened), said he'd drive over to her and personally thank her if we had the great success she predicted! :)

7.9!

Got amazing news today, on a day I totally needed it! Miraculously, my FSH for this month was 7.9! Incredible! The nurse was funny, thinking I was giving my body pep talks! I almost cried when I got the call - then I wanted to call everyone that knew about all this... This was blood that I had to work awfully hard to get to the doctor - draw it in town, keep it in my fridge, pack it in freezer packs, and then ship priority to the doc - and I know now it was worth all that effort! :)

We'd seen our counselor the day before and I was so down in the dumpers, asking for ways to deal with my negativity. She assured me that this time was different than before, with the best doctors working on us, with new med protocol, everything was different. And she's right but I was still wondering why we were doing this when the odds were so very much stacked against us. And the next day I get this phone call and success doesn't seem so unattainable. :)

Happiness is...?

Random things that make me happy:

• Flipping through TV channels and happening upon all or part of Sleepless in Seattle or When Harry Met Sally.
• Watching my dog do the one legged, back leg scratch.
• Making something (except dinner!).
  

You wouldn't think I'd need reminders of what makes me smile. I laughed so much this weekend when my sister was in town that I woke up with sore abs the next day (this could be a reflection of how I need to workout more but whatever!). We all had such a good time - I remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror after brunch and antique shopping and I thought, "I look happy. " It made me realize how much of a toll this IF stuff is taking on me. And then I got to thinking how satisfied I do feel in my life, despite lacking the little person I always thought I'd have. I felt like I'd be okay if it was just DH and me. I subsisted on this belief for a few days, until I had a team meeting and it was all talk about people's kids/grandkids. And then I was just annoyed with the pronatalism and the realization that if we didn't have kids, I'd always feel left out. Even though it'd be our choice to not pursue it further, I'd be annoyed with those who were blessed in that way (see below cartoon).
Anyway, I shared my belief with the DH and he talked me down from my roller coaster high. I hate not having rational control over how I feel anymore. How is it possible to flip flop on an hourly basis? On such an important thing? Shouldn't I feel so strongly one way or another? Is this a measure of how much I want said little person? But when I utter the words that this cycle is likely our last cycle, I feel sick. BTW, I'll be gearing up for my cycle any day now. Starting out with Estrace . Can't wait to see what the influx of this hormone will do to my moods! :P

Ahh logistics

One more thing I need advice on...I'm going to have to talk to my supervisor about taking time off work to travel for my cycle. The doc wants me in town for the last 4 days (I think) before egg retrieval. And then I'd stick around after to amount to a total of almost 2 weeks. I'm not as concerned about getting it "approved" or what to do (FMLA, or voluntary time off, etc.) as I am about what to say as to why I need this time off. A gal on my team recently had a medical issue and my supervisor was very supportive and the whole team rallied around her. But it's so different dealing with this kind of stuff. Plus I'm a little gun shy about opening up about this at work. During my last cycle, my old supervisor appeared to be very supportive of me...I even had to cancel a (pointless) business trip to stay in town for injections. But then a different supervisor overheard her BEFORE A STAFF MEETING talking about my difficulties conceiving (which was all speculation, I might add, as I hadn't told her the real deal) and it got back to me. Obviously, I was LIVID. I had expressed to her that I wanted to keep this confidential and then she blabs about it in a room full of people??!! I was ready to report her to Ethics (cuz I am so much a "this is right, that is wrong" kind of person) but laid off cuz I figured I had enough to deal with. Instead, I involved a higher up who was very sympathetic and got me moved to a different (but not current) supervisor (and I ended up doing more of the type of work I wanted to anyway so it worked out). But it's always bothered me that she got off scott free with no one (but me) knowing how ridiculously unethical she is...hopefully this rant made sense! So even though I LOVE my current boss (she's about my age, has two girls, struggles with being a working mom, we've got lots in common, shared political views) and she appears to be a very thoughtful, compassionate person, I'm not sure how much to share. If I say I'll be going out of town for medical treatments, then she'll ask if I'm okay...I'll have to say yes, it's not life threatening? That sounds dramatic but vague. Do I say it's female stuff? Arrgh, this is going to be hard for me cuz I hate to lie (even if it is by omission). What if I elude to baby stuff and again I don't get pregnant? It'll just be another person to feel humiliated in front of. What if she does leak it? I don't want to chance our relationship being ruined. How do you handle this out of town business? I'm at a loss.

WTF

For the few of you who check in on me, I apologize for waiting so long between posts. I’ve been in a funk, not knowing what to think and consequently not knowing what to write. Our vacation was phenomenal…it was just what we needed. And as much as I hated leaving our dog behind, it was kind of nice to be out and about and not have any responsibilities. I shouldn’t say that – what’s it gonna be like if we have a baby?! ;) The Colorado air, smells, everything is good for the soul. I just love that pine scent – it’s amazing how scents can transport you back to other places, times. My family used to go to Colorado in the summers and the tree smell took me back to when I was a little girl. Too bad you can’t bottle up that smell! It was just nice for DH and I to take some time for ourselves…we roasted marshmallows and made s’mores in our cabin’s fireplace, hiked (saw moose! See above, if you squint--I got closer pictures but this one really sets the scene!) and relaxed.

Which was good because our day at the doctor’s, while exceptionally organized, was the worst day I have had since our last cycle was canceled.

It was absolutely overwhelming. Honestly, I experienced every single emotion under the sun in one day. From being annoyed at the fact it seemed as though the main nurse had not read my chart since she kept referring to how young I was, OHSS (not exactly a concern for me, I don’t think), and cryo-whatevering additional embryos (I should be so lucky to get to do that!). Frustrated that donor egg was being “pushed” to us. Almost apathetic that my ovary was performing just as the doctor thought it would (not very good). To being on the plane home that night and sooo wanting a hug from my mom I was in tears about it. You think you’re ready to go for it, and then all the info and orchestration is so overwhelming you can’t put your mind around it and you’re almost frozen in place. I could tell I was losing DH too. He had a glazed over look while the nurse was reviewing injections and I knew he so wasn’t interested in giving me any more shots…like he’d just thrown in the towel. And I couldn’t blame him. I kinda felt the same way that day (at least at some point). But when I got home and rationalized it (this is probably our best shot, yada yada) and broke down my To Do list into more do-able chunks, I came around. I presented my case to him and he’s willing to do it because I feel so passionately about it (at least I did during my “argument”). I think it’s just that our life together is so fulfilling that we don’t need anything else. But I’ve got to think it’s a case of we don’t know what we’re missing. Which is good if we’re not successful but hard to understand when you’re altering so much of your life, putting yourself through so much stress for something you can’t comprehend. Is it weird that we feel this way? Part of me thinks if I really wanted a baby, I’d do anything. I always thought I’d be a mom; and if I didn’t get married, I said I’d get a sperm donor. DH and I considered our future children in decisions (home, schools nearby, etc.). But I didn’t think it’d be this hard. So do I not want a baby bad enough? I just don’t think you should be tried this way to determine how badly you want something that comes so easily to so many people.

As of right now, we’re gonna go for it. It’s scary cuz we’re putting all our eggs in one basket (couldn’t resist!)…if I don’t respond this time, I likely won’t the next time. And I’m not interested (yet) in donor egg (from a program)…my sister is still on her journey and I want her to be successful before we come to her asking for her help (but she’s getting older so that’s a concern for all of us). And we’re not thinking adoption, either. That’s a rather bleak picture, huh? Sigh.

But I’m going to employ the techniques from the book “The Secret.” I haven’t read it (and don’t plan to) but I read a review of it and it seems pretty simple (sorry if I’m offending Secret devotees!). I need to be positive, imagine this cycle working, imagine my belly getting big and heavy, picture our dog’s foot licking obsession moving to our baby’s feet…all of that. .I can see how this could help (especially for me cuz it’s not that I’m a negative person but I think everything out including the worst possible scenarios!) but it’s scary too cuz if we aren’t successful then I’ve really thrown my heart and soul and mind into it working and I’m afraid I’ll be even more devastated.

So a question to my loyal reader(s)…have any of you taken DHEA to enhance the quantity and quality of eggs produced in a cycle? I read a total success story and was really emboldened…but then I read that it could lead to all types of cancers (breast, ovarian). My doctor is suggesting 25 mg 3 x day until I start stimulating (so only a month’s time or so). It seemed like people on the Internet were saying you had to be on it a minimum of 4 months to reap any benefits. I’m thinking of taking it but maybe 25 mg once a day but maybe there isn’t any benefit to that and I could be doing more harm than good…? All this supplemental stuff is so scary to me. I figure I have enough problems without doing something that could harm me down the line. If anybody has any info to share, I’d really appreciate it. I’m just not sure what to do.

Thanks again for the words of encouragement. Despite all of this crap, it really helps to have people pulling for you.

Gimme an E! Gimme a G! Gimme a G!

It's almost time for our vacation/doctor's appointment and I can't get too excited for this trip. I'm sad to be leaving our dog - it's the first time we will have left her since she's been in our life. We used to travel quite a bit - at least before we started TTC. As I'm sure you all can relate, I'd turn down the idea because maybe I'd be pregnant and shouldn't be on a cruise ship with my sister, or we should save money because who knows how much our insurance will cover, or then we did visit my husband's best friend in LA and DH had to give me my shots on the friend's bed as we were preparing for a cycle. And now our traveling may be waylaid for our four legged baby! Such is life. Leaving her the first time will probably be the hardest.

I really hope once we are in the mountains (doing the fun part of the trip) that it's not too cold. I checked weather.com and I'm now wondering if I need to pack gloves! Hopefully we can canoe or horseback ride or otherwise get in touch with nature. That type of peace will be good for me.

I really have no idea what to expect from the doctor visit. It looks like an all day type of thing although I'm not sure we need some of the scheduled, standard tests due to our situation. There is such a sense of finality around this clinic's opinion/results. But DH and I were talking last night and he said we've survived bad news twice before; we know we'll be okay if we hear it again. But with this being our last shot, it's gonna be different. Hopefully it won't get to that. I have to have faith in my body that it's not totally failing me. Some test results we'll have to wait on; at least one test should give us some info that day (counting antral follicles?), I would think. I've been silently cheering on my ovary, hoping I'll see lots of activity on Tuesday. And I've been praying that nothing else has gone wrong - with my one cyst already, I pray to God no others have developed. I hate to even write that, for fear of jinxing anything. I just HATE this feeling of betrayal by my own body. I know the few of you who read my blog will be thinking of me and I appreciate it. Being able to "talk" about this with people who really get it is invaluable. Thank you.

We need a face for IF

So my best friend had her baby on Tuesday - a healthy baby girl! When I got the phone call, I was sooo excited (I was hoping for a girl because the pessimistic side of me thought it would be nice to have a sweet girl to spoil if DH & I don't get to have our own) and so glad everybody was okay. I got off the phone and burst into tears. I honestly don't know why I was crying...if I was so happy, or if I was so sad. My dog just cocked her head at me, like "what is going on with you?!?" And I don't really know what is going on with me. DH was very surprised at how excited I was that day...I was ready to run to the hospital but I'd worked from home that day and felt bound to the house. I kept telling him, her situation has nothing to do with ours, I can be happy for her, etc. And even the next day I was ready to go to visit, even packed the camera in my purse. But I got so nervous, thinking of walking in to the hospital and the maternity ward and seeing a little baby that I couldn't do it. And I've felt that way ever since. Luckily, my best friend is being very understanding and cool with it.

It's just that the emotions are so intense and completely unpredictable. I feel a different way on everything like every day. Even at work -- I'm irrationally mad at everyone because they don't know what I'm having to deal with in my personal life...I've felt like telling people - why is this something I should be ashamed of, or hiding? It's a medical issue and I've seen my team rally around others who've had surgeries, etc. But then reality sets in that no one gets it unless they've been personally touched by it and I would be opening myself up to be hurt by their unknowingly insensitive comments. It's just unlike anything else you can experience and I get angry about that quite a lot. I know the misconceptions and hush hush of IF will change eventually and I look for little ways that might be happening...like the new HBO show, Tell Me You Love Me. I was interested in that because there is a couple who's having trouble conceiving. So I watched like 10 minutes of the first episode and turned it off in disgust. Not just because I'd already experienced one of the soft core porn sequences the show is apparently more known for but because the IF couple were arguing about their inability to conceive and the woman was blaming it on a third party..her father-in-law...that he was stressing out her husband...give me a freaking break! That's how we present IF?!? No wonder people say "just relax." Then I got the latest US Weekly with Trista and Ryan (of The Bachelorette fame) on the front with their new baby..."Trista and Ryan open up about infertility..." I knew they'd be trying for a while and thought she might actually present how hard it is, how it strains all relationships, etc. The article was more of a glossing ("you think you can get pregnant when you want and then you can't") and I was disappointed. With 1 in 6 couples being affected, why won't anyone talk about this? I think Courteney Cox and David Arquette had a really powerful interview with somebody (Barbara Walters?) a few years back and I'd almost like to find it on the Internet and watch it again. I think I just want a face to IF because I want to feel less alone...

More uncertainities...but that's life

This past week has been a blur. We didn't get a definite answer during our consultation which is good but bad at the same time. I kind of want some type of resolution. I still feel like I'm in limbo, like I don't know whether to scrimp and save, whether to use up the rest of the vacation days I've been hanging on to... As it got closer to time to the consultation, I kind of figured we wouldn't hear a yes or a no. The doctor was very nice and I remember feeling hopeful after talking to him. He mentioned a few additional tests that could be helpful (anti-Muellerian (sp?) hormone and counting antral follicles) in determining how I might respond on the next IVF cycle. And no one had mentioned those things. He also said some people have had success taking DHEA (under a doctor's supervision), which I looked up on the Internet. Pretty amazing (and scary) stuff. I guess some people think it's an "anti-aging" cure and some women have responded significantly better during cycles (in terms of egg production and quality). But at what point do you put your own physical well being first? I guess we all go through that with fertility treatments...

So we have an appointment set up next month to travel out there and go through the whole intro to the clinic/IVF/DE thing and then do these few tests. We had to quickly get a flight, decide how we could make it a mini-vacation as well, and visit a college friend of mine who lives in Denver. It's all set up (thanks to the DH) and we should have a few relaxing days in the mountains before going in to the doctor's office and flying home. It will be hard leaving our dog (this will be the first time since we've had her) but my parents have graciously offered to watch her and I think my dad is really excited about it. I was telling a friend/co-worker about how cute/funny he's being (suggesting we drop her off for a "trial run" while DH and I are at work, getting clarification on food, etc.) and this "friend" (who knows about our troubles) said, "gosh - what's he gonna be like if he ever gets grandkids?" I just gloss over these comments but I marvel at people's insensitivity later.

My best friend is having her C-section tomorrow and we spent Sunday together, having brunch and visiting a new art gallery in town. It was so nice to spend the day together but bittersweet. I think I'd probably feel the same way even if my life was all that I thought it'd be but I felt kind of guilty being sad. Like that was the last time we'd hang out as non-moms. It was weird. It'd probably have been easier if I hadn't know that at 9:30 Tuesday morning, she'll be a mom! She is nervous about the whole thing (understandably) and we're trying hard to be there for each other so I listened to her worries...but at the end of the day, I felt like I had done my supportive friend duty and I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Anyway, I'm just in a weird place. I feel like DH and I have been thinking about babies for so long and I almost want to be done with it. And then I read some of your blogs and how people have struggled way longer and undergone more treatments and it makes me question how much I really want a baby. But I do want to make a baby. I just don't think it should be this hard. I guess, in true character, I'm being stubborn. And then, say we don't have that great a chance at our 100% biological child but we go for it and fail. Well we've spent LOTS out of pocket. Then we go with DE and spend even more. And hopefully that would work--but there's no guarantee. I just don't know how people fund this, when insurance won't cover it. And that is another issue, in and of itself. It is an ABSOLUTE INJUSTICE that IF is not recognized as a medical issue and is not covered by so many insurance companies. My best friend said it's interesting that things like vasectomies and hysterectomies are covered, which was a point I had not thought of and which made me even more incensed. I'm positive that it will change over the years as (unfortunately) more and more people experience difficulties and (hopefully) it becomes less of a "shameful" thing. But until then, good people who've planned their baby-making will have to spend the baby's college fund just to bring it into the world. Man, I'm all over the place tonight - kudos for keeping up with me. :)

I want a happy blog

I'm trying not to freak. DH says "prepare for the worst, hope for the best." Fortunately, I have a funner than usual day at work with a video shoot and other things to pass the time. I checked my personal e-mail and saw that my best friend has set up a blog to correspond with out of town friends re: the baby. As luck would have it, she's using the exact same blog template as me. At first, it made me woefully sad to see such happy news on what looks like "my" blog. There are no IF links on the left side…instead I can view other happy pages devoted to other friends' baby's. I sigh and take it as another way the universe is just f*cking with me. But if I look at it in a different way, maybe this is a glimpse into what my blog may someday look like. Maybe someday I'll post "brag worthy" pictures to share with my sis out of town and relay baby's first steps online…honestly, I can't hardly even imagine that. I was reading a gal's blog yesterday and she had become pregnant after years of trying…but she said she felt like an outsider reading the normal pregnancy blogs, like she was still emotionally tied to the IF side. And I think that's how I'd feel. It's defining and consuming.

So pray/hope/cross fingers/blow on dice…this next chapter of our lives is about to be revealed. I know that no matter what, we'll be okay. But I just want it to be "normal."

Planning for Monday & beyond

We met with our counselor today and discussed what we can do if we get bad news on Monday. I was nervous and trepidacious to begin with but it kind of hit home how much is riding on this phone call. It's just not right to receive news that can change the course of your life over the phone. It was good to talk about how we could memorialize our unrealized dream but it was sooo upsetting to me. And also, if we do receive bad news, I don't know that I'll be satisfied...I don't know that I'll ever be satisfied. I guess it's just the matter of not knowing really when to quit, or when you've done "enough."

I'm really too bummed to write much more but another thing we discussed (and that I'd kinda like feedback on) is whether to go to the hospital when my best friend has her baby in less than two weeks. The timing is obviously awful, whether we get good or bad news. Our counselor said that other women have said hospitals (specifically maternity wards) are exceptionally upsetting to women in my situation because it's just a sea of pink and blue and babies. She's worried that if I were to go, it'd be a "setback" for me. And I get that, but she's like my sister. I don't know that I can be so selfish as to not be a part of the happiest moment in her life. The counselor said it's not being selfish, it's protecting yourself. And I guess if the roles were reversed, I would understand if she didn't want to visit me in the hospital. But I don't know. She's scheduled for a C-section so perhaps I'll have to go out of town on a last minute business trip...I'm officially a chicken.

Sorry to be short. Just feeling blue. I am supposed to figure out a few things to do just for me (there may be Godiva in my future) so maybe that will cheer me up.

My sanctuary, my DH

I had a book club meeting last night and one of my friends and I stayed late and talked. She and her hubby were having some marital trouble last year...mainly that he expressed a new and sudden desire to have children. Apparently (and this is strange to me), the topic had never come up before but my friend thought she'd eventually feel those maternal longings (which she isn't). Well they worked through it (or her husband dropped it) but with another birthday approaching, she's wondering if they should just go for it. I told her about the childfree living book I'd just finished (Sweet Grapes) and how society is structured to support pronatalism. But that choosing to live childfree is a choice and shouldn't be seen as being selfish...you can still be involved with kids, make a difference in the world through volunteering, etc. And as I listened to myself preach the pros of this choice, I wondered who I was trying to convince, her or me...

Then she told me about an older woman she works with who has no children but a really full life and a solid marriage. She said that this couple reminded her of my DH and I...that she sees the devotion we feel for one another and that she thought we'd be ENOUGH for each other...some couples wouldn't be okay without having kids, but that she thought we were strong enough. If her eyes weren't welling with tears (I'm beginning to think things still aren't quite right in her relationship), I could have really delighted in that moment. I am very proud of my marriage. So many couples experiencing IF earn their battle wounds together and that can bond you or tear you apart. In just three short years, DH and I have gone through more hardship than I'd wish on anyone and we've learned how to really talk to each other, be there for each other, and just love on each other. Which is good because sometimes it feels like us against the world...

Here's to my DH...
...Who conquered his fear of needles and administered shot after shot into my soft skin.
...Who wrestled with his "manliness" being questioned but ultimately became a stronger man for it.
...Who goes to counseling with me and speaks for me when the tears catch my voice.
...Who offered to convey what I needed from my friends when I was too chicken/upset to do it myself.
...Who settles down to read (insert book title you never thought you'd own) "Having Your Baby by Egg Donation" in bed.
...Who got me a Mother's Day gift, cuz I'm Mom to a furbaby.
...Who knew not to suggest "Knocked Up" as a weekend movie.

Happy Anniversary, baby. :)

TCM or how to become a hypochondriac

Ugh. I'm just kind of pooped today. Tired of thinking about babies. Tired of wondering what's wrong with me. I read that dang traditional Chinese medicine book, "The Infertility Cure," last night (very exciting evening, I know! But I have a hard time finding "me" time sometimes) and it bummed me out. Basically, there are 11 conditions, 8 of which I possess. Now I know I'm being dramatic and self-diagnosing should be taken with a grain of salt but it was overwhelming. I feel like I'm a healthy person. But when you get down to the nitty gritty questions, yeah I guess I do get dizzy when I stand up fast and I am thirsty a lot...holy cow, all of my organs are deficient! I don't even think I could follow the recommendations in the book cuz my multiple conditions contradict themselves...eat spicy foods to up my Yin, don't eat spicy foods cuz I'm too much Yang... My sister recommended the book and I almost called her last night at 10 pm to see how many conditions she possessed, I was so bummed out. And to say thanks a lot! I'm not a hypochondriac but it was a joke with my best friend cuz whenever one of us had an ailment, I'd go to my Dr. Koop's book and then diagnose Malaria or something completely random. So I probably need to put "The Infertility Cure" away for a bit. But, then I tried to fill out the paperwork for the CCRM and I saw similarities between its questions and ones in "The Infertility Cure" (which is probably good meaning they take a holistic look at things). I just think I need a vacation. Somewhere beautiful within roadtripping distance so we can take our puppy. :)

Third opinion's the charm?

So we have a phone consultation with CCRM on Sept. 10. I was happy we didn't have to wait too long to talk to the dr. but it's also kind of scary cuz I really feel like this could be our last chance. Of course, they're not covered on our insurance because they're out of network so we'd be footing the entire bill ourselves. I did kind of think maybe we should go ahead with a place in town (even though they gave me a 10% chance) and "use up" the rest of our infertility insurance benefit and then move on to Colorado if need be. Ahh, why is this insurance stuff so complicated? But I should be glad we have some benefit, I know. I can't complain after seeing Sicko, that's for sure. Who knows.

Tomorrow night I may be going to yoga with a co-worker who's being really supportive - she doesn't know the whole story, just enough to be dangerous (ha!) - and her teacher has some poses that could help with infertility. And my sister recommended "The Infertility Cure," a book on traditional Chinese medicine that is going to result in me eliminating essentially all the foods I eat. I flipped through it at Border's Saturday night and just got so mad that my situation may result in me performing femoral massages and ingesting herbs like Angelica and white peony...when my friends say "oh, we weren't really even trying."

In other news, it's ironic how many people I've encountered recently who have made alternative (is that the right word?) choices...I guess it's the same thing as noticing all the pregnant women in a 1 mile radius of you, but my radar is now also set on people who've adopted or decided to remain childfree. One woman, a co-worker of DH's whom I've met several times, volunteered to go to dinner with us (or just me) and relate her story of living childfree. She's at peace with it all now, and involves children in her life by volunteering and being active in her nieces/nephews lives'...it seems like she could be the poster child for this choice, which is awesome for her. But I do feel like our counselor has us focused on what options we'd consider if we have to (which is good and appeals to my organized self) but I feel like I'm overlooking the fact that there's still a glimmer of hope for us. And my gosh, I have to hold on to that first.

Baby step into the blogging world

So this is my first post. Silly me, I feel like I need to sound profound. When really, my point in doing this blog is to track how I'm feeling given the baby making options DH and I now have. One last shot at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), which has experience (and greater success!) with high FSH; or donor eggs or childfree. At this point, we're not really considering adoption. We may get there - heck, I can't believe we're considering donor eggs! One thing that just gets me going lately is when I confide in a friend about our infertility issues and immediately they ask if we've considered adoption. All these people blessed with biological children of their own are so quick to throw that out there, not even thinking that is a difficult decision. "There are so many babies out there who need good homes!" I understand that and I sympathize, I really do. Adoption is a very admirable thing. Maybe if the people suggesting adoption had adopted themselves I'd be more receptive to their idea. But I just want to say: "Then why didn't you adopt? Oh, because you met a man you thought the world of and then wanted to give birth to his baby? Hmm...that sounds familiar."

I just am astonished and disappointed and almost resigned at the way some of my friends have related to me in this past year. It's been tough -- one thing after another. On the same day learning I had a cyst on one of my ovaries (this discovered when I went in after not getting pregnant for 6 months and worrying something was wrong), DH and I also learned that his semen analysis revealed no sperm. None. Obstructive azoospermia from a surgery he had when he was a teenager. But after visiting a urologist, we learned there was still hope and we could do a testicular biopsy to determine if sperm was present -- just unable to get out. On the same day my grandpa was struggling to live, we learned in the hospital lobby that DH did indeed possess sperm. My grandpa died the next day and a sad little part of me wondered if maybe God took his life so that we could create another life... Two days after my grandpa died, I had surgery to remove my cyst. Luckily, that's all it was (no endometriosis, etc.) but it seems as though most of my ovary was also removed. "Not to worry -- you're young (29) and should be fine with one ovary." After a few months off to process everything, decide what we wanted to do, we went to an RE. Given my age, the outlook was good. Until my FSH revealed dimished ovarian reserve. Honestly, at this time, in my first (and so far only) IVF cycle, I didn't fully realize what a death sentence that term is. Which is probably good -- I would have made myself more upset, worried, if I did knos how grim the outlook had become. I didn't respond well enough and long story short, my cycle was canceled. It was quite a blow...DH and I knew cancellation was likely but I think our family was so sure that we'd be successful. The marvels of modern science, etc.

Consequently, I don't think that during our cycle, people understood just how hard it all was. So I'm slowing getting back to my point...my parents and MIL have been great since our cycle and I had a heart-to-heart with my mom and am now really getting the support and love I need. Which is huge! My older sister, who amazingly, graciously, selflessly offered up her eggs at the end of our canceled cycle like it was just no big thing, is now going through IUI to have her first baby with her husband and I'm glad that I'm (unfortunately) able to relate to her. But my friends have been a big disappointment.

It doesn't help that my best friend is currently pregnant. She was very cautious when she broke the news and I am happy for her. Her situation has no bearing on mine; I know (more than most) how strong the desire to have a baby can be; yada yada. But after one conversation about how I was thinking DH and I could live childfree (our new puppy was filling our lives, etc.) -- and you all know how your thoughts on everything change on like, an hourly basis -- I honestly think she thinks I'm over the whole infertility thing. I've attempted to engage her again, share with her that we're seeing a counselor, etc. -- I get nothing. And it's frustrating how much this strife is filling my head. Her baby shower lasted almost 4 hours...seriously, one of the longest showers ever! And I was a good sport, playing games, oohing and ahhing -- and I meant it. I just wanted one recognition of how hard it maybe was for me and a thank you. But I didn't get it. Oh, do I sound like a brat?! I just feel abandoned. And I think she feels abandoned too. But if she could be more accepting of my situation, I would be of hers.

My blog name seems ironic to me today -- a few days after I created the blog. "Making peace." How I would love to. Some days I feel more successful than others. But my gosh, that's what I really want. I want to get back to the carefree days of my newlywed-hood. When my head wasn't filled with these tough decisions and medical worries and unknowns in the future...